Thursday, August 28, 2003 :::
Ok, peeps. The gang is off for holiday on the cape. I've been like a child before Christmas (or Hanuakah or WHATEVER). This reprieve promises to be the most cathartic of many. Hold it down for me. I'll leave you with this...
If we took a holiday
Took some time to celebrate
Just one day out of life
It would be, it would be so nice
Everybody spread the word
We're gonna have a celebration
All across the world
In every nation
It's time for the good times
Forget about the bad times, oh yeah
One day to come together
To release the pressure
We need a holiday
You can turn this world around
And bring back all of those happy days
Put your troubles down
It's time to celebrate
Let love shine
And we will find
A way to come together
And make things better
We need a holiday
Come together in every nation
Tuesday, August 26, 2003 ::: ??Can Money Buy Happiness??
A recent study at the University of Southern California concluded that Money Cannot Buy Happiness. The study looked at the same 1,500 people over three decades. Generally, no one was happier with more money.
Well, duh! They were thirty years older! More money won't make me happier in thirty years, it will make me happier NOW!
I'm so ADD this week, that I do not think I can possibly focus on a cohesive blog. I can write a sentence here. A fragment here. Another here. The only thing I can actually focus on is my vacation. P'town. P'town. P'town. Tamee ain't never been, but Lawrd have Mercy, y'all... she's fixin' to.
Thursday, August 21, 2003 ::: Get Your Good Mood Here
K-Mart was having a BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL on good moods today, so I bought one. And you know what? It feels pretty damn good after the last few weeks.
Yesterday I was sooooooo crabby. I made a late afternoon trip to Michael's and bought supplies. I came home and began making gifts for everyone who is in our house in P'town. I think stepping out of myself for just a few minutes enabled me to see the blue light flashing at K-Mart.
So, here I am. Silly. In the most decent mood of weeks. I hope it sticks. Now, if I can just fight my urge for one of these.
Saturday, August 16, 2003 ::: The Truth Will Set Me Free
Has my blatant disconnection with the world been overly obvious of late? It must. I cannot even begin to describe where I've been emotionally, but I do know it got a lonely and dark at times. To compound the situation, I wanted to be alone.
I cannot determine exactly where it began, but it did. And it grew. For some strange, neurotic reason I was suddenly consumed with an overwhelming fear of death. I thought of it constantly. It scared me. It controlled me. My attempts to control it were all futile.
I have employed two methods of avoiding/dealing with whatever-the-fuck my problem was. The first was to casually close out those who were close to me. It was not blatant. It was not malicious. I just did not want to discuss my psychosis. So, I kept each relationship at bay. It was not so far that we lost touch or kinship, but it was close enough for me to feel comfortable.
My second coping method was found in substances. Primarily the bottle. When I found myself in a situation that required me to engage with people, I made myself disgustingly drunk and obnoxious. Who will make an attempt to get close to that? Yep, that was a great idea. It really worked.
So, there I was in my safe haven I created. Alone. Amidst blackouts. Making my partner feel neglected. Making myself feel worthless. And something clicked. Ironically, it came from the lips of my Philip. It opened my eyes to the very unhealthy situation I've created. Mostly, it made me thankful to have someone who loves me enough to be honest with me.
Simultaneously, there has been a resurgence of friends from my past. Namely, Sheri and Megan. Sheri was my closest friend in high school. Megan is one of the coolest people I know. She has an amazing knack for listening and understanding. These two (directly and indirectly) have painted a picture of me, FOR ME.
One statement led to a flood of realizations; and I'm just in the beginning of dealing with this crap. I'm calling my therapist Monday. I have not seen her in two years, but GOOD GOD... that lady can screw my head on straight every single time. Clear a place for me on the sofa... and make sure you're ready to listen.
I'm all about connecting with my past. Dinner with Sheri was a visit-cum-laughter. As usual, we picked up where we ended. A beat not skipped. A few years further into this journey. Both handling our lives well. She's handled her diagnosis with MS amazingly. It is really cool to see. I love my Sheri. A repeat visit is planned tonight.
I'm not mad at you. I'm not intentionally neglecting you. I'm just really busy lately. Hunter was in town last week. It was our first visit since Germany last Summer. My brother moved to Atlanta over the weekend. I moved my sister last weekend. I hosted a birthday brunch for one of my favorite people on Sunday. I've just been really busy. Really busy. Busy.
I've also been taking time to myself. It is time needed. I'm well. Everything is great. I'm just trying to organize, evaluate and reorganize my life. Philip and I are going to start painting the kitchen, the sunroom and our bathroom over the next few weeks. We want some changes at home, besides a hole in the backyard. So, this is how it will be done.