the tradeshow in alabama was dreadful. dreadful. dreadful. the exhibitors sat for hours with sparse attendees trickling through the room. i wanted to read my book, but i thought it may look a little too jaded. by the end of the day i was ready to bite anyone who slowed the process of me leaving. luckily, liz gave me a rockin' CD in december that snapped me into a good mood on the ride home.
the outlook for the weekend is calm and quiet. maybe i'll just go here and buy some stuff.
yesterday was a groundbreaking lesson to the madness my personal fears illicit. they are not valid. i spent the day in maniacal fear of dinner. i said i wanted my father to be a part of my entire life for years, but the actuality made me freakishly nervous. yesterday dad forged another huge effort. dinner at home with my father, my sister and my philip was flawless. there was not an ounce of tension, discomfort or anxiety. it was so obvious my father was comfortable, and enjoying himself. he left a ten minute voicemail this morning to that effect.
i learned dad will be spending a lot of time in atlanta. he accepted an additional three month contract with the company for whom he's consulted the last year. next week he comes to find an apartment. this means mom will be here often too. he wants to bring some tools from his shop down and work on projects at philip and my home. i already have a list. first, we are building new desks and bookshelves for our office. next, we're building shelves for the garage. it goes on and on.
while he may not understand my sexuality, he makes efforts to acknowledge it. while he may not approve of my sexuality, he makes efforts to accept it. honestly, that is more than enough for me.
Tuesday, January 28, 2003 ::: one night in bangkok
hands down, i just completed the worst night's sleep in months. i was out of bed at 4.50. i realized insomnia struck me. it was either fight and wake poor, sweet philip... or get up and drag myself through today. obviously, i selected option two. call me around noon and see how sweet i am.
the next moment was attempting to sneak my sister into backstreet with a fake ID. newsflash, walt: you are thirty. fake IDs are a NO! dale gave us the idea that we could get parker into the underground. amy helped us find the ID. kimi spent sunday morning begging for her confiscated driver's license. she has it now, so i am guessing she flashed her tits or something. yay! can we use it again next weekend, kimi?
i spent sunday shopping for a flat screen tv with bret for his party. it was perfect crowd. i was a lot too drunk, but i do remember one thing. john and i had an amazing tête-à-tête by the pond. we have grown from mere forced acquaintances to deep-rooted brothers. our similarities are frightening, yet comforting. they are affirming, yet teaching. johnbaby, you really have become such a touchstone! THANK YOU.
*my father called this morning. he requested we cook dinner at my house instead of going out tonight. he said, "it would give us all a better chance to visit." some of you know how huge this is. i came out to my father en route to paris. we were on the eurostar and he said, "walt, i would rather you marry a whore than date a nice guy. i just cannot imagine you and a man enjoying what i leave for you." for years his attitude was so withdrawn. he's open now and i am thankful.
maybe today isn't so bad, afterall.
ok. it is 5.35 am. what now? i'll go to the gym. like i said, call me at noon. i'll be a sweetheart. xo!
Saturday, January 25, 2003 ::: when the world is a monster
karen taught me so much about enjoying life. my senior year of college i was the riding instructor who taught beginners at her stable. it was more play than work. the memories brought a happy calmness this morning. i looked at the clock and realized today marks my thirty and one-half birthday. you see, karen taught me all about birthday fun. she also introduced me to half-birthdays.
the bad thing is... no one else ever remembers my half-birthday. are you out there? anyone? hello?
Friday, January 24, 2003 ::: reflections on the madness
i wake and realize my negative energy was lost in my sleep. i do not know that it is negative energy, as much as it is general frustration. i take a retrospective review of my life. i pull so many weeds from my garden. amazed by the impact of my decisions in this life, i begin to learn.
i do not feel regret. my views of the world are not the same, without my particular life experiences. i embrace the things i know. i appreciate the things i learned. my primary complaint is the wait to flourish. i want to sprout like a spring garden. i wait for the big explosion that lets me know i arrive. therein lies the key problem. i remember spring gardens die quickly. the explosion does not exists.
i know i am amidst the process, but inpatience overcomes me. and i realize my young soul, like the roots of a young tree, is easily uprooted by a small storm. i attribute it to many things. the many times i moved, no sense of true being, blah, blah and blah. the main thing is me. i realize this.
still waters run deep.
for the first time in my life i sit still. i watch more than participate. the change is nice. i want it. luckily, my wonderful partner supports me through this process. my life is rich, but it is enriched because of him. as i cry he listens. his deep brown eyes look at me with a love i always dreamt of finding. i find it. it is here. i obviously do something right. so, i say, what is lacking?
"If it can't be solved peacefully and if the U.N. should fail to act -- and I hope that is not the case -- then the United States reserves the right to do what it thinks is appropriate to defend its interests, the interests of its friends and to protect the world..."
Wednesday, January 22, 2003 ::: mybodymychoice-yourbodyyourchoice
i am exhaused by the rhetoric. i watched the news at lunch. the voices of georgia women who have had abortions filled my ears, as they protested a woman's right to choose. the reason one cited was "she regretted her abortion everyday since she did it thirty years ago." i cannot say how i would feel. i can, however, say that i am tired of americans attempting to dilute the personal liberties of other americans because of their own experiences. it contradicts everything upon which our country was founded.
i think some of this is imposed by the southern-baptist ministers who yell hellfire and damnation from their COUNTRY pulpits each sunday. more of it is fueled by the catholic priests who are molesting these unwanted children. yet other, stems from the inability of the general american public to empathize with anything outside of our own experiences. whatever, it all feeds and breeds hate. it fuels the fire of prejudice, sexism and homophobia that seems to become more and more pervasive lately.
i do not know about you, but i think it is time for everyone to speak out and fight for our freedoms. if we don't, someone might just take them away.
the volunteer orientation gave an excellent overview of where i can lend a hand, what to expect and other assorted information. the diversity amongst the twelve new volunteers last night was refreshing. the people ranged from a twenty-two yo family-rejected transexual to a fifty yo father of a YP participant. i cannot imagine my father entertaining the idea of becoming that supportive of me at such a young age. it is truly amazing. and it drives me to become involved. some of my efforts are going to be self-created. there is one opportunity to be a group discussion facilitator, which interests me the most.
in some strange way it reminded me of the outlet my childhood church's youth group offered, without the suppression. this would have catered to the real me. i drove home wondering what impact an outlet like this would have had on my life, if it were available in my youth. would i be closer to my goals? i never would have married. i would have gone after what really interested me, rather than trying to become what my family wanted me to be.
if i can do nothing more than clean the windows of an organization that offers freedoms to gay youth, i'll make a significant impact. these kids are at such a crucial point in their lives. what is better than offering a place where being yourself is not discouraged?
it is another one of those days, people. luckily, my brain is moving as quickly as the tasks are reaching me today. tonight is the training for youthpride. i will know more about the volunteer efforts after this evening. i'm really excited about it, on so many levels. it bodes well with my writing efforts and my general quest for betterness. so, it is an overall A++ situation.
i spent most of my weekend in a very low key mode, a brief visit to the heretic on saturday excluded. i had a great weekend. i wrote. i got a lot accomplished aournd the house. i slept. i finished my book. i forgot to call you on sunday, hope you got the emails yesterday.
i received this email today. while flattering, i do not find much about myself multi-cultural. i'm a white, american male. i just happen to suck dick.
Hello. I don't know if you remember me or not, but I have met you before through *******. I went to USC, too. I have just started Graduate School in Virginia to be a Psychologist. I have to interview someone for my Multi-cultural Counseling class and I was wondering if I could interview you over the phone. If you would like, I can leave your name out of it and let it be an anonymous interview. Please let me know if this is okay with you and if so when a good time would be for me to call you. I can be reached at ********or *********. Thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate it.
sure, i'll do it. i just wonder if the professor will be disappointed in her subject matter. doesn't she have a black friend or an asian friend? how 'bout a mexican? or is her friend's, friend walt, that gay guy... the closest thing to mult-cultural??? hmmmm.
my little deal i have going with philip is working quite well. last weekend, after i was really tired of him not wearing a seatbelt, i set up a new rule. each time he forgets his seatbelt, he gets a warning. he gets five free warnings per month. after that, i get a dollar each time he forgets. i said five dollars, but he wouldn't play that way. he knew i'd be walking around with prada EVERYTHING. at least the purpose of my mission is working. i've only given three warnings. he's on his game.
it's cold this morning, y'all. i mean like in the twenties. there ain't no snow, though. i bought all that meeuuulllk for nuthin'. fuckin' a!
we FINALLY saw my big fat greek wedding last night. it used to be like pulling teeth to get my man into the theatre, but i'm teaching him the art of going during less crowded times. tonight: CHICAGO!.
tonight the low is 17 in atlantrah! lord, y'all leave that war-tuhr runnin' through yer pipes. don't wannem freezin' up or nuthin'. hell, i just seen some snowflakes outside. time to shut this bitch down. them roads is gonna be nasty.
what's up with you today? anyone as happy for friday as i?
Thursday, January 16, 2003 ::: you know what i'm talkin' about
them neurons and protons is fiiii-uhr-in'. um. well. whatever, y'all know what i mean. right?
why don't melissa and i have date nights more often? the deal equals melis. period. no matter what you say, i just know it. our dinner was perfect. dialogue ensued and we were all caught up. a few drinks. a few bites. i think we even talked. we did. we talked. i love to talk.
we also had a sliding doors moment. a lexus SUV almost backed into us at valet. we were waiting to park and that nelly fag threw his car into reverse and almost slammed into us. luckily, i found that damn horn. i blew it loud, too!
what's up with drivers yesterday? i deserve some respect. is this some sort of omen? armageddon?
we ate. we paid. we left. we waited.
wait. the sliding doors moment... we actually waited for our car behind the lexus SUV duo. the night was almost so different. insurance cards, crushed fiberglass and dollar bills wasted. that did not happen. i found the horn.
AND NOW FOR SOME MORE RANDOMNESS...
by the way, THIS SONG will not get out of my head. the radio plays it. my boyfriend sings it. and now you're posting it. at least it has a small underbeat. i love the underbeat.
Wednesday, January 15, 2003 ::: rocky top tennessee
i do not think miss tennessee realized what she was doing. she was too DAMN busy yapping with the person on the other end of her mobile phone. she probably spends as much time on her hair, as she does talking on that LIFE THREATENING phone (and disrupting the flow of traffic). i knew that, for sure. you would too, if you saw those bangs!
hick-town, tennesse must not have critical points of traffic flow in its arteries. certainly, people accelerate and brake without cause. those actions were incremental to the life-altering conversation transmitted by the small electrical device in her palm. not only could she communicate through voice, but also her erratic driving. her fellow hick-town-soccermom-hairspray-clone understood the verbal and nonverbal messages.
however, little missy was not aware of my proficient communication skills. i attempted to pass her thrice! each time she accelerated and braked with me. it was as if she knew i was getting more angry by the minute. i felt like bumping her GOLD camry into oncoming traffic, but i was nice. i accelerated with all of my might and swerved in front of her. i nearly clipped her car, on purpose! that was not enough. OH NO! it was time to make my point. yes, i slammed on brakes.
the shock and horror on her face was priceless, but she did not miss a beat in that fucking conversation. if only i had some sort of cattle prod, then she would get it; then she would just fucking DRIVE!!!!!!
i have a crush. i am gay. i am thirty, and i think this eighteen year old girl ROCKS. i saw her perform on saturday night live last weekend. i watched her interview last night with dianne sawyer. i admire anyone who knows what they want, goes for it and does it well. so, she is my little crush.
i love her bubblegum, punk, tomboy sound! i love her jaded, yet humble attitude. i wish i were a lesbian; i could ask her on a date. wait, i could just be straight. no, i tried that. i would rather be a lesbian.
it is primarily my outlook. it is how i am processing everything in my life. work. love. friendships. responsibilities. after a slight delay, i feel alive. did i slip into a slight depression? it is not out of the realm of possibility.
i have not heard anything from the director at youthpride. i know my background check did not reveal a criminal history, unless a private investigator looked in to my sordid past. it's time for me to send another follow-up email. nonprofits are understaffed.
philip came home from work last night and worked. i finished work last night and wrote; i'm eager to begin my class. what's happening around here? productivity? ummmmm, i think so. speaking of...
we had quite the convivial evening at laura's last night, complete with kimi's blackjack set. even though philip and i lost all of our money, we enjoyed ourselves. it's fun to have an evening with a bunch of cute, gambling lesbians. however, i know on which side of the table to perch next time. you will find me next to audra! after we left, philip and i decided to dance at the heretic and spend more money. perfect solution!
i started reading this book today. i was in pajamas reading until three, when i finally motivated to workout. i remember you recommended it nearly a year ago. i've heard so many other good things and, as i seemed to do with reading the last eighteen months, never took the time to find out for myself.
progressively, i made an exodus from the dark hole that held me back. i stopped running from me-the dark hole. i stopped running from the establishment-the other dark hole-because i think it is stupid (or because i feel like i know so much more than those who created whatever establishment bothered me). i started participating, observing and making notes on how to make a difference, for me. it is more peaceful this way.
somehow, somewhere, i learned i had to carve my own way through all of the things in the world i did not like, even the things i detest. i have not arrived, by any means. i realized where i wanted to be, finally. i saw what i needed to do to get there, thankfully. i started making steps, effortfully!
*this just in: registered and confirmed for 'writing: a novel experience' at emory, commencing on february 10! woo! hoo!*
one-ten. say it. one-ten. it is jefferson's thirty-second birthday, y'all. when we were in college, we were fraternity brothers. now we're both fags; and we're the bi-costal danger twins. if you've ever spent a reunion weekend with us... you know why we opted to live on separate sides of the country. we made this decision after my one-year visit to LA. sometimes we just get a little, um, how you say... crazy. but it's good; really good. it's clean. uh-huh! it's fun. believe.
so you must take a little chance and visit his new site and wish one of america's finest the best little birthday wishes your heart can muster. i mean it. tell the boy happy thirty-second. besides... he's cute.
since my old gym "caught on fire," i had to join a new gym. it is much nicer, but i always feel like i'm in a club. a health spa or something. it's the gym where you can see a chiropractor, get your hair did, tan and get a massage. it's not just the same beatless music sans lyrics; it is the people you see. i never see most of these people when sober.
so, i am learning lots of things. they are not cute in daylight. the bad dye jobs. the skin. their bodies are not as fabulous as on the dancefloor. overall, i'm unimpressed. and i'm forced to talk to people (with the obvious exceptions, like cliff and joel) who i don't want to see. working out is about being quiet and unwinding for me. i'm the in-and-out type of guy. i'm not in the gym to make friends or find a boyfriend. i'm married. and i do not get to see the friends i already have enough...
what's my point? i don't know. i guess i wish my other gym wouldn't have "accidently had that electrical fire." i'm tired of the extra ten-minute drive.
i'm in a stellar mood today. the stars finally seem to be lining in a way that is favorable to me. maybe it is my overall attitude. maybe it is the baggage i left in 2002. whatever it is, it is grooving and i love it!
i woke up for the first time this morning around four o'clock. i literally jerked myself out of a disturbing dream. i love when my mind exorcises demons (past or present) in the midst of REM; it really saves me so much trouble. i'm in complete favor of the path of least resistance being productive!
the moment i realized it was a dream i smiled. i was asleep again within minutes. i woke from my second exorcism at six o'clock. this dream was equally as strange, but dealing with a separate demon. once again, my face was overcome by a smile. it was just another dream.
strangely, i render thanks for both of these dreams. my subconscious was able to tell my conscious mind something it needed to hear.
Tuesday, January 07, 2003 ::: holding, holding, holding
today started great. i had a nice workout. i did cardio on the eliptical machine next to joel! i arrived home to work here today and have been trying to access my yahoo mail since nine o'clock. i'm holding for customer service now. i think i could hum the elevator music without assistance at this point. i spoke to someone thirty minutes ago who gave me the WRONG remedy for the ills of my computer. oi! someone help me. things could be much worse, but this is such a PAIN IN MY ASS.
in other news, i've decided on the writing class i plan to take at emory. i cannot sign up until friday. the class is limited to twenty people. so, i put a reminder in my palm pilot (whilst holding for the nonexisting customer service reps at yahoo). this will be yet another self-improving outlet for 2003.
i'm digging my new outlook and focus-es-es-es-es. happy tuesday!
two weeks of virtually no work is nice, but i was bored. two weeks is too much time away from normalcy, unless you are traveling. example: my trip to europe this summer was not enough. so, i'll rephrase: two weeks of vacation at home is a little much. therefore, next time i take an extended break from work i will not be in atlanta. i love atlanta, but the world is too big [and life is too short].
i learned a valuable, yet simple lesson this weekend. never brave the aisles of a grocery store other than your own. philip and i decided to shop publix yesterday. it was closer to blockbuster, so we assumed it would be fast. wrong! the aisles were too narrow. everything was misplaced. they did not sell many of our staples. the store was crowded. the cashiers did not know us. philip even caught me before i broke into a fit of anger. i was angrily staring at a shelf and unable to locate a staple. my hands were on my hips. my lips were puckered. it was at this point i knew we'd never cheat on kro-gay again.
so anyway, back to work. i'm a little behind here.
Saturday, January 04, 2003 ::: that's the way it goes
i love how life comes full circle. a conversation with my ex-wife this morning perfectly illustrated it to me. she's doing so well. it's so great to reach a point where we are such good friends.
last night philip and i saw about schmidt. it was the perfect satire of life and aging. the acting, the writing, the cinematography... they all work perfectly together. i was pulled into william schmidt and understood all of his emotions. i understood them so well that i am encouraged to continue making life changes while i am still young...
full circle... it all comes full circle. everything. just watch.
this year i want to make a difference. it is my turn to give to the world. god knows: i have spent thirty years taking from the world. it is all part of a greater plan, but all big things begin with small steps. i made my first small step a few weeks ago and continued today.
i was weaving thru the streets of decatur, following directions to my two o'clock meeting this afternoon. after i received the organization's monthly newsletter, i emailed the director and arranged a tête-à-tête, . i knew volunteering for a non-profit that provided an outlet for gay youth was the perfect match for my new endeavor. i sent my email blindly; i had no idea where i would fit, of if i would. ideally, i wanted to get involved with small discussion groups. i wanted the opportunity to know gay youth. i wanted to hear their struggles. i wanted to make a difference.
actually, in this situation, utopia exists! he requested i complete one form and attend a three-hour training program. once completed, i can facilitate small group discussions. the director shared a few stories about some youth today. they range from being kicked out of their parent's home to suicide. it's sad, but the opportunity to facilitate a "safe place" for gay youth excites me.
i don't know that i will make a profound impact, but this is providing me a forum in which i may gather sooooo much information. it's all part of my plan. my healthy, self-improving plan.
another end. another year. another month. another week. another day. another hour. another minute. another second. another beginning.
i have three resolutions for the new year. one of which has subresolutions; they are realistic. i feel grrrreat about them. so good, in fact, i am not posting them. i am keeping them to myself. i am making them real.
today is supposed to be vacation, but i keep coming into my office and working. i can only chill for so long. i get a little stir crazy. i'll be back with more later, but right now i'm focusing on me.