!!A MIND'S EYE!! ...

Monday, December 30, 2002 :::
good day, sunshine

welcome to my ephemeral holiday.

i have:
-drunk and been drunk
-ate and ate and ate
-talked and talked and talked and talked

i am:
-finally quiet
-about to dress and mow the lawn

i will:
-enjoy the rest of this week
-have a great new year's eve with close friends
-get banged tonight
-stick to my new year's resolutions (as i always do).

more later... i'm off to enjoy the day.

::: posted by me at 30.12.02

Thursday, December 26, 2002 :::
yo! check this out...

shew! i survived the holidays. it went like this:

i left home saturday evening. philip dropped me at the airport. i had so much time prior to my departure that i walked, instead of riding the train, to my terminal. i thought the cardio woud come in handy before gorging myself for three entire days. LORD! i found my seat on my flight to philadelphia, pittsburgh, whatever... that awful steel city in PA. i began reading jim grimsley's, boulevard.

my new year's resolution is to begin writing; as i read the book i became very intimidated. i knew it was my fear of me, but it took a brief convo with philip in pittsburgh to clear it all. i continued through the airport and found the bar with the most interesting people for my three hour layover in hell. i sat near a middle-aged, overweight, unhappy, video game and nicotine addicted, HOUSEWIFE. she left her son in the hallway while she played video games and SMOKED! it was lovely to watch.

i was greeted in VT by my sister, her two friends and their friend mary jane. we had a lovely visit. it included cards, sweets, fattening food, good conversation, reading, resting and cross-country skiing. my visit was perfect in length. i look forward to seeing my family again soon.

i arrived home last night and had christmas with mr. man. santa heard i was a good boy this year... i cannot wait to sport my new winter line! watch out people!

we began our spring workout regimine today. we also cleared the house of christmas; and now i'm just chilling. tonight melis and kristie are coming over for wine, cards and dinner (in no certain order). where is everyone else? do y'all want to come over and play too? it's still the holidays...

::: posted by me at 26.12.02

Monday, December 23, 2002 :::
home alone

the house is empty. dad, mom and matt have driven into lake placid for the afternoon. parker is visiting with friends. i am here with me. it feels nice. my visit is going nicely. i'm enjoying everyone. i'm resting. i'm certainly eating well.

i've been waking in the middle of the night worried about my father lately. this started two months before arriving home. he's a different person, but i suppose we all will change as we age. we had a great conversation this morning. while my concerns are valid, our chat made me feel much better. it was one of those father-son talks i'll always remember.

i'm waiting for parker to get home. i have one more christmas present to buy and she's taking me shopping. hurry, parks...

::: posted by me at 23.12.02

Friday, December 20, 2002 :::
and there you have it

i don't know about you, but i measure myself from my past. fortunately, i think i am doing very well. lunch and such with alice today rocked. she is amazing. period. she's the type of friend everyone desires; thankfully she never goes away. she saw me at my worst. yes, JOHN, that would be the day of the breakdown.

i love her. she's one of my friends who offers insightful conversation. she's one who loves me for the mess i am.

it is so cool to see the progression of a person. for me, today was a celebration of the good things alice deserves. we worked together in our mid-twenties. we hated our jobs. we accepted our lives. we loved one another.

she left atlanta to connect with a life she desired. after two years of waiting, the life she desired began. her professional successes do not astonish me, but rather make me smile. my progressions make her smile.

today was a reunion that makes me embrace life more than i already do.

::: posted by me at 20.12.02

hi. hi. hi. hi.

can we say HOLIDAY? h. o. l. i. d. a. y. holiday. yes, that is right. my winter vacation commenced last evening. i am sure you are as excited for me as i am for myself; absolutely certain of it.

there was a meeting of a-list gurls at tiburon last night. we saw everyone and their mother. afterall, they do have the best fried chicken in the city. later philip and i went to hang with the lesbian a-list for line dancing at hoedown's, where we ran into jennifer and chrissy. oh. my. god. he made me slow dance whilst two-stepping. i was literally pulled onto the dancefloor. dale, amy, brandi and kim laughed hysterically. glad you enjoyed my humiliation. i DO NOT dance to country music. i just don't. it seems i'm doing lots of things i 'do not do' this week. hmmm.

ok, i have to pack. i have to prepare for my lunch with alice. so much today. have a happy holiday everyone. i'm sure i'll be telling tall tales from new england beginning sunday. stay tuned... or not!

::: posted by me at 20.12.02

Thursday, December 19, 2002 :::
ooops! did i say that?

first, what was i thinking? i'm not nice. being nice is for weak people. weak people end up in undesirable situations. and i DON'T do that.

next, i was standing on my back deck smoking (soooo healthy!). i heard a sedan's engine pushed to it's acceleration limit; it was the wrong direction on the street adjacent to my house. through the trees i saw an atlanta pooooLEES car. what gave you the right to do that? you were not chasing anyone. you were just too lazy to wait in traffic like the rest of us. police officers are often the equivalent of suburban teenage jocks! gimme a little power please.

third, bitching is fun and cathartic. trust me. i'm glad i know this.

fourth, i cannot wait to hug a sexy dyke tonight.

fifth, thanks for this link, amy.

finally, that's all...

::: posted by me at 19.12.02


today is rushed, but i wanted to send birthday wishes to YOU. have a great day.

::: posted by me at 19.12.02

Wednesday, December 18, 2002 :::

it is a real website. i do not want my site to link to their tracker, but this is crazy. you'll have to type in the url yourself. you have to log in and get a user name in order to get the information they have about saddam.

when i work from home i sometimes leave the bedroom television on for noise. today the noise filtered into words and i apparently was listening to the 700 club. ted haggard, president of the world prayer center and world prayer team, had a visit from the holy spirit. apparently, if we can get 1,000,000 people to pray between now and the end of the year there will not be a war in iraq. saddam will just be moved in the middle of the night to get on a plane and leave iraq. where is he going to go? to a russian space station? do you think people will be safe wherever he goes?

wouldn't it be nice if it were that simple? don't you think at least 1,000,000 people are already praying about this? i wonder if there is a fee to 'join' the world prayer organization. i also wonder if i could get the 1,000,000 people who are praying to donate $1.00 to my charity fund.

please. i'll be really good. i promise!

::: posted by me at 18.12.02

it would be so nice

today marks the official downhill sprint towards my holiday! two contracts closed yesterday; three more are en route. i feel rested. my head is clear. it's all because i realize there are literally twelve days of complete freedom waiting for me.

one of my favorite people will be in town this weekend from CT. luckily, i don't depart for upstate new york until saturday. alice and i have a little martini lunch that is long overdue. friday and martinis... WHO KNEW!?

three days until my departure and i have not even thought of packing. i will do it on saturday morning. what do you need for snowy lake placid anyway? a jacket and some longjohns. some hiking boots. another jacket. jeans. cords. sweater. sweater. sweater. gloves.

i need to coordinate entrance to your house on friday to pick up philip's christmas present. i don't know where i can hide it without him finding it, but we're exchanging gifts when i return (on christmas night). maybe i can leave it in the nut hut; philip is prone to snoop for gifts. hmmmmm.

::: posted by me at 18.12.02

Tuesday, December 17, 2002 :::
christmas is...

*a time of loving
*a time of giving
*a time for family
*a time for friends
*a time for BESTIALITY??? what!?!?

::: posted by me at 17.12.02

Saturday, December 14, 2002 :::
twelve-fourteen it is

i said it was june 6, 2001. that was the night of our first date. he said it was december 14, 2001. that was the night we decided to date exclusively. it was also the night we said i love you. however, we actually met in the end of april. i was six days out of a three year relationship. he was two weeks out of a seven year relationship. neither of us were ready for a walk down the aisle.

i brought him home with me a few nights later. he invited me to a cinco de mayo party that saturday. we met there. we both played very cool. we both were aiming for a casual friendship. the night progressed. we spoke to everyone, except one another. we were pumped with tequila. he walked to me and whispered in my ear, "i was hoping you would spend the night with me tonight." i quickly replied, "if YOU want me to spend the night with you; you'll have to pay much more attention to me than this." he walked away and my phone did not ring for two weeks.

three weeks later was our first date. the conversation was amazing. our chemistry was immediately unmatched. the moment he asked me, "so, what are you going to teach me," i realized this man was so much more than i thought. like the first moment i saw him, i knew he would be a very significant part of my life. he slowly walked into my world. he taught me a new way to love. he respected me each step of the way. he taught me a new way to give. he taught me a new way to live.

the joy and memories brought to my life since he entered are countless. whatever the date is... i'm elated it is. i love you, PHILIP!!!!

::: posted by me at 14.12.02

Friday, December 13, 2002 :::
do you hear what i hear

fabric, wallpaper and paint can create a whole new building. cheshire bridge road now has a lovely piece of northern california. philip and i were reluctant to commit to dining anywhere last night. we stopped at the red snapper first, but when we learned our favorite server was not there... WE LEFT. where do you want to eat? i don't know. where do you want to eat?!

we sat down. we were both disappointed the entire building was nonsmoking, but decided to stay and enjoy dinner with the adjective throwing waiter. i've never heard someone describe so many different foods as beautiful. beautiful butternut squash soup. beautiful spit roasted niman ranch pork loin. but mostly: the BEAUTIFUL wood grilled grimaud farm duck roasted pears, fingerling potatoes, jus natural. it was worth the adjective!

the cafe tables were relatively close to one another. to my right were the loudest, most obnoxious gal pals. i could not have been happier than when their check arrived. oh yes. i was happier when they left. to my left was an older gentleman and a gay man my age. i watched them eat. i thought, "if i was going to have a sugar daddy he would be much cuter than that!" shortly thereafter i realized it was a father and son. i felt dirty. i felt silly. i thought ,"is this what people think when i have dinner with my father? god, i hope not."

somehow we woke early and were throwing weights around the gym this morning. i knew it was friday and i had to be prepared for a gathering at laura's this evening. the rest of the weekend is busy, busy, busy. party and parties. christmas shopping. must. find. downtime.

happy friday the 13th...

::: posted by me at 13.12.02

Thursday, December 12, 2002 :::
things on thursday

>i am listening to a sample of just whitney. crack may be whack, BUT BITCH CAN SING!!!!

>waltie is excising some demons thru dreams lately. the most recent exorcism included our nation's reaction to a bioterrorism attack. body suits. mass campgrounds. water filtration systems. freaky! i mean really freaky.

>*singing* all i want for christmas is a whit-ney c-d, a whit-ney c-d...

>if a client gave you a bag of nuts with a tag that said we're nuts about you, would you laugh in their face or what? thought so!!

>i said it once. i'll say it twice: DAMN, bitch can sing! this is a must have. someone's gotta support her habit that cost 740 (i don't think so). go whitney; and shut up bobby!!

>i'm considering entering an essay competition or two i saw whilst searching the innnnnuuurnet last night... in the fiction category. i could hype up my life. or maybe i don't need anymore hype. uh huh.

>this CD makes me wanna dance.

>that's e-nuff ya'll. i gots to work.

::: posted by me at 12.12.02

Wednesday, December 11, 2002 :::
can we say BRAT?

i was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. granted it was tarnished and belonged to my great-great-grandfather, but it was silver. on christmas morning our house looked like FAO Schwarz. santa always did just fine by me. i EXPECTED it too. if i did not get at least everything on my christmas list, there was hell to be paid.

i was eight years-old the year i made one of the biggest scenes in phelps christmas history. our gameroom was filled with so many toys you had to watch each step. my brother and i jointly received an atari. i cannot remember all of the other gifts waiting for us that morning, but i do remember my brother had one more gift than i did. he had the coolest bicycle ever. he was sitting on it. mom and dad were taking pictures. i was so angry that i did not have a bike i began to cry hysterically.

my father got an evil grin, kind of like the ones i get now. he turned the camera towards me and began snapping shots. it made me more angry and more emotional. my face was swollen by the time my father pointed me in the direction of the drapes. he told me to look behind the drapes. so i did. i found a helmet there. attached to the helmet was a note from santa telling me to be careful with my new motorcycle that was in the garage.

later that morning my dad told me he could not wait until i was older, so he could share the pictures of my tantrum with friends. he warned me it was his bargaining chip. everytime i see the pictures i laugh. what a brat. no wonder everyone picked on me as a kid. i deserved it.

i think about all of the kids who get nothing at christmas. my dad would have been best served returning my little minibike.

::: posted by me at 11.12.02

Tuesday, December 10, 2002 :::

i swear i am so on today. it just happened. i woke at 3.45 to relieve my bladder and knew today was going to be productive. my face was in the office this morning by 8.30. yep, i was way outside the perimeter before nine o'clock. my to-do list is now a bunch of check marks. it feels so good. i think my primary motivating factor is the close proximity of my christmas holiday. a few days skiing in vermont and new york. a day or two shopping in montreal. lots of downtime here in atlanta.

last night philip and i watched abc family channel, where christmas movies and cartoons are celebrated daily this month. i felt like such a kid in front of the fire, with my ice cream, whilst watching the holiday programming.

in case you were wondering: cold, rainy days ROCK!

::: posted by me at 10.12.02

Monday, December 09, 2002 :::
don't know where she learned it

brittany spaniel's are such drama queens, especially mine. saffie will work any potential angle for attention. this weekend she apparently twisted her ankle when we blinked. ironically, it hurts much less in my presence than philip's. it reminded me of having an ear ache as a child and i forgot which ear was "hurting." her limp came and went and came again. sometimes she was able to jump into her chair and others she required me to lift her.

this afternoon she was much better... we'll see how she is when philip gets home!!!

::: posted by me at 9.12.02

ready, set, go

monday arrived quickly and another weekend went with a flash. i had a great weekend. it started with dinner with my sister and her date at home friday. saturday was a shopping bonanza. saturday night we enjoyed the SEC championship game. i spent sunday shopping and lunching with my sister. the thing i enjoyed most about the weekend was the gathering at polly and bonnie's last night.

each year my friends select children and play santa with them. we gather on a sunday evening at polly and bonnie's house to wrap the gifts. it was a time to catch up with friends i do not see often enough. i am so glad we did it again this year. it really reminded me of what the holiday season is all about: GIVING; and not just materially.

::: posted by me at 9.12.02

Friday, December 06, 2002 :::
sucking on my titties like you wannit

it is friday and i am stepping out of my box. i'm jamming to a sixty-five minute compilation called two many djs (whilst working). this is rocking my world with everything from lou reed to michael jackson to salt n' peppa; and it's all funked. two djs. taking turns. competing. mixing. kickin' ass. really!

mostly i am thinking of new names for myself. i think mess is perfect. just call me mess. say good-bye to walt and hello to mess. i guess i thought last night was saturday or something. apparently someone beat me in the back of my head with a baseball bat once i passed out.

health. and. maturity. are. great.

::: posted by me at 6.12.02

Thursday, December 05, 2002 :::
from the golden years to the REALLY FUCKING olden years

in college i was straight *clears throat*. i was a fraternity boy *snickers*. this led to a unique opportunity to attend strom thurmond's ninety-first birthday, where james brown stumbled to the stage and sang happy birthday. one of my fraternity brothers was his next door neighbor. today i would like to sing a happy one-hundredth ditty:

happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
happy birthday you old, senile, machine-supported, crazy, mother fucker;

apparantly we'll be singing this until jesus comes...

::: posted by me at 5.12.02

what is life?

my friend melissa and i are so connected it baffles me. i called her monday. as usual, the stars were lining similarly for us. our outlook on the world was grim. our moods were sour. our conversation led me down a reflective and positive path.

what is life? i wondered what this is all about (again). is it the moments we are alone? is it the moments with friends? is it the happy times? is it the boring times? i hit a valley and become focused on the lonely times. conversly, i reach a peak and the world could not be better. singular focused: the joy is all that was ever real. the hurt and pain never existed.

tuesday melissa called and announced her mania. ironically, i was invincible tuesday. work received everything. the world was mine. i was riding on the celestial wave of control and productivity.

answers are different for everyone. i repitively realize life is a compilation of all moments; each with meaning, purpose and value. some drag me down, others lift me up and most of them keep me grounded.

::: posted by me at 5.12.02

Wednesday, December 04, 2002 :::
being in virgin sounds lovely

i want to move to virgin, utah. they have an ordinance requiring all citizens to own a gun. it sounds like such a great idea. i mean, i am sure the gang problem in rural utah is unbearable.

they followed the efforts of KENNESAW COUNTY, GEORGIA (if you know kennesaw: the name says it all). take a moment and read their website; you'll see they are protecting their citizens from "street thugs and tyrannical government." hmmmm! they even have support from australia to arkansas. call me crazy, but i think it's important to have support from A to Z. what about zurich? do we have support in zurich? i know this is a two-year old issue, but it still just baffles me.

i've been thinking about a more simple life (a lot): a cottage, a small town and allowing my inner lesbian to flourish! the thought of simplifying is so captivating. it would enable me to focus on some of my personal goals that are routinely neglected as i race thru the weekend. maybe i just need to check into self-discipline? i think it sounds better than dragging philip to virginity!

::: posted by me at 4.12.02

ice storms and explosions

if our local news stations give any more airtime to tammi talking about waiting in the lines at the piggly wiggly to buy "meeeeeeeuuuulk," i WEEEEUUULLLL scream! people in this town are the biggest pussies when it comes to cold weather. hello?! it is in the forties and drizzling... let's not close the schools (YET)! the forecasted low is only 37. i think local weather people have nothing more to do than build hype in a futile attempt to increase ratings. next topic...

my gym literally exploded this morning. well, an electrical fire ensured as result of faulty wiring. we attempted to drive down faulkner road twice. the second time we learned the fire trucks were all there because the gym was burning at the end of the street. no one was hurt and we quickly darted over to urban body (where we saw your smiling boyfriend).

happy humpday everyone...

::: posted by me at 4.12.02

Monday, December 02, 2002 :::

i discussed my feelings on the use of the words to, two and too a long time ago. today someone found my site with this google search: gay men in bed and having to much fun! yes, philip and i are gay men in bed. no, we're not having to much fun. we are actually having TOO much for TWO!

c'mon... get it fucking right. it is not that difficult. REALLY. you. can. get. it. WRITE... i mean right.

::: posted by me at 2.12.02

Sunday, December 01, 2002 :::
sunday evening

i hate the sunset each sunday. it's the harsh reminder of monday morning. i've had an incredible holiday weekend; so today's was not as bad.

i visited. i relaxed. we decorated for christmas. we celebrated the first night of hanukkah with melis. we played cards. we watched football. i slept. i read. i met your beau. we raked leaves. we puppysat. we rented movies.

i'm thankful for my long, relaxed, needed, wanted and deserved weekend. i could not be more rested.

::: posted by me at 1.12.02



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