!!A MIND'S EYE!! ...

Thursday, November 28, 2002 :::
happy thanksgiving

i spoke to my mother and my grandmother this morning. i am thankful for both of them. they both expressed how much they missed me being with them over the holiday. i miss them, but it was so nice to piddle around the house with my spouse this morning. i'm really thankful for him. he's too good for words.

as a child, my grandmothers were in the same town. we ate thanksgiving dinner with my mother's family. we had our second thanksgiving dinner with my father's family on friday. thanksgiving with my father's family always included a stray or two. my mimi had a large home and occasionally housed a border. i always felt so sorry for them as a child. where was there family? were they sad or lonely? did they feel out of place?

mimi had one border from the philippines. her name was pointip, but my brother secretly called her porn-flick. today, like porn-flick, i am a stray. i am spending this afternoon with bret, his parents, mark, melissa and kristie. luckily, i have less than two blocks to travel. my family is together. i am dining with another portion of my family. i am not sad. i am not lonely. **i only regret i am not smoking the really good weed my brother and sister scored!!!!**

perspectives change; for that i am thankful!!!!!

::: posted by me at 28.11.02

Tuesday, November 26, 2002 :::
time to play

working from home a few days before a holiday is absolutely ideal. i remember the days of being chained to a cubicle. i remember surfing the web to escapte the blue fabric walls. there was very little to do. no one wanted to meet. no one wanted to discuss anything. i was there for face time. but not today. not yesterday. and not tomorrow!!!

for those who are stuck in an office or cube today... expore this for laughs!!!!!!!!!!! my friend chad sent it to me; looks like some people were having a little too much fun.

::: posted by me at 26.11.02

Monday, November 25, 2002 :::

the feast began last night at kimberly and tori's. they invited us for an early thanksgiving dinner. the food was wonderful. my plan to eat healthy until thursday is already shot, because they sent us home with leftovers. is it lunchtime yet???

::: posted by me at 25.11.02

Saturday, November 23, 2002 :::
it is saturday, AGAIN

where are all of the drunks when it is time to clean their obnoxious leftovers?

last night was fun. it started slowly. when am i ever going to learn you cannot have a drop-in from 8-10.30 in the gay world? it just won't happen. people will still be arriving at 10.00 and where can you go at 10.30? gay men do not do time; or we do our own time. unfortunately, i am the exception to the rule. when i was a newbie i had to circle the blocks a few times before ringing the doorbell; i just wanted to make sure i had the right directions.

i enjoy hosting parties. i actually love it. especially for guests as hateful/loving and complaining/grateful as you. you so delicately attempted to guide me with this advice, "you're a horrible host. clean up that bar. where are the limes and lemons?" but anyone who knows me should know... i'm going to be too busy having fun and standing in line for my bathroom behind someone i have never seen! there were two other hosts: shouldn't they be taking care of that while i catch up with people? come on!

my sister brought her new beau and i give a BIG thumbs up. as far as first impressions go, he's leagues above any ex of hers. he's obviously smitten. she is too. i just wonder if he knows how full his hands will be with her! shew, we can share the load. new faces. old faces. and and and and: the 21yo gay hot north carolina police officer. at one point the only four single guys remaining were huddled around him outside underneath the space heater; it appeared they were determining some sort of pecking order.

left the house with guests still inside and the front door open. spun a few under the disco ball. watched doug and john nearly kill a woman for one of my personal favorites: a glow neclace (my friends: THE PROVOKERS). jumped into a taxi with melis, amy (new friend!) and philip. arrived home in time for a few more drinks and living room banter. crawled into the middle of my bed, between philip and melis (and her puppy). closed my eyes. dreamt basically nothing. woke in time to single-handedly clear the mess before the maids arrive. i don't think they'll be laughing on their mobile phones while here today.

ok it is time to wake everyone in this house up. first philip and melis, who are still in my bed. next, amy on the sofa. she'll be sweet and easy to wake. finally, jefferson. i will let the roar of spanish and vaccumes wake him. this will be fun, but maybe i should ring johnbrown and give him my EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS weekly saturday wake-up call. hay gurl!!!!

::: posted by me at 23.11.02

Friday, November 22, 2002 :::
rambles of contentment

hold on. i'm taking some old garbage out here...

i reconnected with my past in the most healthy ways. of course, this was in conjunction with the arrival of jefferson yesterday. we talked as much as usual, but for some reason the conversation felt like more. we were sitting in the dining room discussing the little idea last night. there were three amazingly distinct times i flashed back to our college apartment. i could hear the voices echoing off of the 12' ceilings and cold floors.

i always neglected, avoided, buried, dismissed and ignored so much of my past. i hated so much, including myself. it was cathartic to look back with a more clear understanding of the many situational catalysts and motivators. it was even bigger to enjoy this conversation with/about someone who knew me. i learned all of the negative perceptions were mine. i learned my closest pal, who i thought had more self confidence than a high school jock, was equally as insecure and lost. i turned my mind into a virtual realm of negativity; and it quickly become reality.

i went through a phase of excuses. it was dreadful. i went through phases of blame. it was equally as dreadful. while most of it was my perception, it created an unhappy world. i am now certain that person was not me. we had nothing in common. it was a different life. i was amazed again by the power of self-perception. whether it is good, bad, happy, sad, angry or ambivalent the world feels and follows it. it's true. i know!!!

so, here is to:

-acquiring fucking self-confidence
-my site counter reaching 20,000 today
-your mother's gucci bag at the dinner meeting last night
-you for being so damn you
-your blog continually becoming more entertaining
-my great pal with the incredible positive energy
-and you posting more pictures of yourself


::: posted by me at 22.11.02

Thursday, November 21, 2002 :::

what would jesus do? what would madonna do? what would cher do? what would j-lo do?

it appears the latest question is: what would jesus drive?

what would madonna drive? what would cher drive? what would j-lo drive?

i don't think they would drive anything. they're too rich. they have drivers. i think jesus would have a driver too. he's too busy to drive.


::: posted by me at 21.11.02

Wednesday, November 20, 2002 :::
the not so good things...

*forgetting the stack of CDs you organized for your drive to an evening trade show in montgomery, alabama.
*killing time in one of america's least equipped malls.
*being at a trade show that felt like the christian coalition's annual meeting.
*finally falling asleep at two o'clock this morning

the really good things...

*falling asleep while holding the man i love.
*working from home today.
*realizing today is hump day.
*sleeping a little later than usual this morning.

::: posted by me at 20.11.02

Tuesday, November 19, 2002 :::
he don't eat no bread or meat

jefferson was my bestfriend in college and is my brother now! i had a song i used to sing around our apartment. it went like this:

jeff--er---son looks like a chicken bone,
he don't eat no bread or meat;
he's so skinny head to feet.
oh, how i love my jeff--er--son!

our friendship has been dragged through so many different things over the last twelve years, but we bounced back each time. he's coming for a visit from LA this weekend. i cannot wait to see him, especially after our conversation yesterday. i even planned a cocktail party in his honor friday evening.

there has been a burning desire within me to do and be more. he's been in the same place. we have, once again. landed on the same plane! we discussed a few opportunities for us; and plan to flush them out in further detail. an unclouded weekend will soon be here! i think we've promised one another a visit like this for nearly four years. it's about time.

::: posted by me at 19.11.02

Monday, November 18, 2002 :::
who wants a glow stick?

friday night was mellow. we ventured to philips arena and observed the atlanta thrashers lose to a team from the desert. the hockey game was a blast. we enjoyed a game, a fight and a plethora of entertainment that ranged from a mascot to audience trivia questions. it was a sensory overload.

we were seated in front of a group of scotish hockey players who were fashioning kilts. unfortunately, i missed seeing the handsome young men raise their kilts and show the stadium bare asses. i just had the privledge of hearing about it from my friends.

towards the end of the game the mascot shot t-shirts out of a cannon into the crowd. the direction of each shot was determined by how loud each section yelled. for a moment, it all seemed so similar to the people yelling for glow sticks on backstreet's dancefloor. anyway, I DON'T LIKE GLOW STICKS or ugly t-shirts.

::: posted by me at 18.11.02

Sunday, November 17, 2002 :::
i opened my eyes

as he snuggled behind me, his hands traced my back. i was on my side, but not expecting to be pampered. i could hear each breath; so slow, deep and strong. he began to massage each tense muscle in my back without any direction from me. my entire body was numb. he still moved closer and wrapped both of his legs around my lower leg. he squeezed my leg as he wrapped his arms around me. i found myself in the most comforting embrace. at this point i knew it was ok to open my eyes and greet sunday morning with a smile.

i slowly removed myself from the warmth of his hug. i rolled him over and returned the favor. god, i love sunday mornings! happy weekend!!!!!!

::: posted by me at 17.11.02

Friday, November 15, 2002 :::
the thing about...

*the thing about working from home is that if the weekend calls for rain, you can do yardwork on friday and write your marketing report on saturday or sunday.
*the thing about being in a healthy relationship is that you must not take anything for granted and you must always communicate even the most simple feelings.
*the thing about being a gay man is that there are so many peripheral people in your life who love to create drama.
*the thing about being me is that those people are not important enough to matter.
*the thing about dining with a large group and paying with cash is that your server could potentially cheat you out of $140.00.
*the thing about owning three dogs is that no matter how many times you let them out, one will piss on the dining room rug and another will shit in the foyer occasionally.
*the thing about evaluating your life's direction is that you really begin to question so many things you have always just accepted.
*the thing about questioning things you always accepted is that you begin to learn so much.
*the thing about life is that there never seems to be enough time.
*the thing about friendship and love is that they really make a mundane world so much more inviting and colorful.
*the thing about my family is that most of us are completely wacked.
*the thing about being completely wacked is that i would not want to be any other way.
*the thing about publishing this blog means i have to climb onto the roof with the blower.
*the thing about me is that i am procrastinating.

::: posted by me at 15.11.02

Thursday, November 14, 2002 :::
i'm so dizzy

my straight brother sent me an email today, suggesting i forward this link to all of my friends with the subject line: hot naked dude. i could go through the rest of my life without seeing this again, but you really should see it at least once. these pictures don't even need words.

::: posted by me at 14.11.02

feels like i'm going crazy

i wish today was 2,224 hours long. it would make my task list seem so much more achievable. why do i wait until the last minute like this? why? why? why? thank god it is nearing the weekend...

i am looking forward to a cold, rainy weekend. old movies. projects at home. snuggling. reading. rainy weekends are the best at times!

::: posted by me at 14.11.02

Wednesday, November 13, 2002 :::
i can see clearly

i was invaded by a serious funk the last four weeks. it really sucked too. it was one of those times where i felt like i could talk to no one about it. i felt like i had to pretend like everything was ok. i could not let anyone know that i was in the pits. yesterday i felt the dark cloud rising. it was like a big weight being lifted off of my shoulders. i was able to breathe again.

last night i asked philip if he noticed; evidently i was able to even hide it from him. i was trying, so i guess that's good, but it honestly bothers me that i can bury depression so deeply. i know it stems from years of practice within my perfect southern family. it appears i mastered the art my mother tried to teach me at such a young age.

i remember our family being in the worst fight in the station wagon one sunday morning. we arrived at church. we were all crying; except my father, he was yelling. as soon as the steeple was in sight my mother screamed (with a tasteful southern drawl), "ya'll, we're here. NOW SMILE!" i was seven, but it stuck.

anyway, i'm here and i'm really smiling today!!!

::: posted by me at 13.11.02

Tuesday, November 12, 2002 :::
do you have that fresh feeling?

a washed onion is less likely to make you cry. i think philip's comment to mr. body odor confirmed this theory. mr. bo walked up to us today and the exchange went like this:

mr. bo: do i smell better?

*slightly raising arms*

philip: i hope so!!
me: laughter
mr. bo: it was funny. the night before you mentioned that to me, my 10yo daughter told me i needed a bath.

*i'm wondering why he didn't heed her warning*

mr. bo: i really appreciate you telling me that.

it continued into some sort of rationalization ramble that included dietary implications. i guess he was a little humiliated, but if a ten year-old girl noticed...

::: posted by me at 12.11.02

Monday, November 11, 2002 :::

bret and mark thought it would be funny to place a for rent sign in our front yard while we were in athens this weekend. before we entered the stadium my phone rang. the caller said, "i'm calling about the house you have for rent." i said, "i don't have i house for rent. you must have the wrong number." the conversation continued and she described our house. she gave me the correct address and i realized i was the victim of a practical joke. funny? yes! still being annoyed by calls? yes!

one lady has actually called three times. i'm just not going to answer. maybe she'll figure it out.

::: posted by me at 11.11.02

Sunday, November 10, 2002 :::
still livin' for the WEEKEND

the chance of recounting this weekend's fun moments is nearly impossible, but it started the moment philip pulled into the driveway with the loaner car. we debated whether or not we should go to athens friday night or saturday morning. saturday morning won (or i should say friday night won).

dinner with bret, parker, philip and me turned into a few dances here and a few more here.

awake and on the road saturday morning by 11, we were prepared for a full day of tailgating before the big game! it was a perfect mix of messy, random, unexpected, coolness and fun. the athens experience consisted of, in no such order, this:

*large lesbian woman passing out in my car immediately after proclaiming that "i was ken and she wanted to be my barbie." of course this happened after she tried to lure me into a dark corner and stick her tongue down my throat. NO THANKS!
*dale being the fabulous woman: she rescued a cute 18yo from a potentially bad situation. she ran a red light (after an extended wait) and still avoided any punishment from the redneck police in the red pick-up. she taught me more about football than i ever knew. GOD I LOVE HER!
*amy teaching me how to be a man.
*some catchup time with brandi and kim!!
*kudos for my shirt.
*an extended tailgait thanks to the loaner car's dead battery.
*mark the rescue man who got us en route.

as usual we woke early. we were in atlanta early enough to field a request from cliff and steve. we ran to their house to assist in moving steve's newly constructed church/doghouse.

the day ended with a ritualistic sunday gathering. we found a new location for our usual banter and debauchery. the energy level lowered with the sun and i left with an outlook on the upcoming week that i have needed!

driving home i thought the stories of the weekend had ended, but i knew nothing of an impending surprise. i was cleaning out the pockets of my jacket. i have not touched it since europe this summer. i found half of a joint from amsterdam that i obviously smuggled home. oops!

i have to go SMOKE now!

::: posted by me at 10.11.02

Friday, November 08, 2002 :::
ok. oh. my. god!

many people know i work from home most often; and i love it. it affords situations like this to transpire... many thursday nights my sister comes for dinner and drinks. she's still here today. she is actually showering. i left the bathroom after laying her towels out. she was already in the shower. she yelled across the curtain, "why do you have two venus' in your shower?" i replied, "it's a venus for our penis," without a second of hesitation. after screaming i realized the maids were here this afternoon. their english is sketchy, but i'm not sure it's that sketchy!!

they needed to know that gay men who take the time to shave certain areas appreciate the engineering of this razor. it's ability is really quite amazing!!! ...and now you know!

editorial note: philip's statement to mr. body odor was misquoted. he actually said, "this may not sound polite, but your body odor is extremely offensive and that's not polite to the rest of us." he read my blog for the first time in months and his only comment was my inability to quote him properly... gotta love love!

::: posted by me at 8.11.02

Thursday, November 07, 2002 :::
gee, your hair smells terrific!

i am the first person to stand up and admit i love the smell of a man. afterall, i am gay. but sometimes people carry this too far. i am talking about days without any type of deodorant or hygeine! i know you understand. ...smelled it before. in the gym. on a dance floor. on a friend. somewhere.

philip and i went back to the gym late this afternoon for cardio. i was jamming. i was completely entertained by CNN. i was prepared to burn 500 calories or more until some guy with LOTS OF HAIR hanging out of the back of his tanktop came along. he stepped onto the eliptical machine next to philip (and two down from me). the minute he arrived i was overwhelmed by a horrible odor. i don't belive i have encountered anyone with body odor this bad.

i debated whether or not to politely inform him he smelled worse than my dog's ass, but i just kept going. philip turned on a fan nearby hoping it would blow the smell away. it just got worse. we decided to leave early. i ran from the machines wondering if it would have been ok to say something. maybe the guy wanted to know. philip (being the hero of mine he is) walked up to the guy and said..."this may sound very rude, but your body odor is really bad."

::: posted by me at 7.11.02

wasting time

where is stella when you need her? i'm looking at about fifteen different piles in my office, all of which must be eliminated today. i am waivering in and out of these modes of ADD! i am wondering if calgon can really take me away. i am wishing that it could, but acknowledging it cannot!

i am asking myself if i had a cute barrete, shaggy hair and a lifted wardrobe... could i be like you? rich. famous. able to steal with only a slap on the wrist. go mondern woman...

::: posted by me at 7.11.02

Wednesday, November 06, 2002 :::
that's how it goes

just when i felt like settling down for a long winter's nap, it was time to turn up the pace. i woke up this morning and my eyes felt as though they were glued together. i think i was in one of my deepest sleeps ever! in the gym i was trying to pick up the pace, but was literally dragging. i was cranky, crabby and ready to bite anyone who crossed me. i think part of the problem was when the television woke me in the middle of the night. we went to sleep with it still on, obviously. i heard voices yelling about fabulous diet plans on an infomercial. my dream was so completely mixed with the voices on the television that i was startled. i grabbed the remote. i found the power. i turned the television off.

the remainder of the problem was my second dream. my sister, philip and i were en route to holland. amsterdam to be exact. we were boarding and i realized i left my passport at home. i was calling everyone to bring it to me and reached no one! i woke up stuck and unable travel. i tried to go back to sleep. i kept telling myself, "you have your passport. it's ok. you can go." i thought that may help me ease into a coffee house or something. it didn't.

don't worry, i will survive!

::: posted by me at 6.11.02

Tuesday, November 05, 2002 :::

i did not change my address with voter registration soon enough to vote in my new precinct. so, i left the comfort of my 'hood and drove across town in the pouring rain just to experience our new touch screen voting system. the new system, which probably was less expensive than the cost of PR, was simple!

i feel like an active, caring citizen with my "i voted!" sticker today. yay democracy!!!

::: posted by me at 5.11.02

it just is

i think so differently than most people. the older i get, the more i realize this. i say one sentence to express something and immediately assume anyone listening completely understands the entire thought process behind my statement. there is no reason to go into further detail, because you should completely understand. it should happen automatically! the connections are so logical in my head, but some people need to hear the exact same thing expressed three different ways. each different time is so similar, but for some reason they require hearing the variations to grasp my entire thought. can't they see each of the statements has the same meaning?

my assumption used to always get me into trouble on tests in school. i would answer an essay question with a very complete understanding of the subject. the test would find it's way back to my hands and the grade would not meet my expectations. why? because the instructor did not realize i had a complete understanding. because i did not say the same thing over and over and over and over again (in slighly different ways). i'm learning to do this. i think i am becoming a better communicator. i guess it is ok (or better) that everyone is not in my mind... at least for their sanity.

my sitemeter is still not working. why is that bothering me so much?

::: posted by me at 5.11.02

Monday, November 04, 2002 :::
if you want to laugh

click here and see a picture of john, philip and me as the american idol final three. apparently, we had a lot of fun that night!

::: posted by me at 4.11.02

Sunday, November 03, 2002 :::

i do not know why i decided to play with my site today, but i did. it's been a long process. my sitemeter is still not functioning and my vision is yet to be realized. i must somehow learn to translate my vision to html. it's not crucial, but it would be nice.

the weekend, as usual, has been a reprieve from reality. luckily, we are not quite finished. an afternoon gathering on someone's porch is calling my name. i'm sure we'll have numerous stories to exchange. the best being the loss of a heel to a boot in blu last night. luckily, a member of the friendly staff had a glue gun and quickly repaired the damage.

in other news, the dark clouds have left my monday moods alone lately. i have a strange intuition the trip to alabama tomorrow is not going to assist in easing me into the work week. oi vey!

::: posted by me at 3.11.02

Friday, November 01, 2002 :::
i think i'll go for a walk outside

god, it is a beautiful day! the autumn morning air is crisp. the sky is blue. i do not think the weather could be more perfect. on top of it, friday is here. this afternoon we're going to enjoy the weather and play tennis for the second time this week. wednesday was the first time i picked up a racket in nearly seven years. while not completely in the swing, i'm not too terribly bad after such an extended break.

so many random things...

+computer problems solved, thanks!
+the fun size candy from our pantry now lives in other homes... bye halloween!
+my horoscope alludes to happiness thru creative outlets.
+shrubs in our backyard begging to be placed in their new homes tomorrow.
+i love autmn. i really do.
+i almost love friday as much as i love autumn.
+call my cousin and wish her a happy 32nd.
+the need for an evening of spades; in a major way.
+all dance floors sans walt.
+a saturday evening football game gathering.

::: posted by me at 1.11.02



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