Thursday, October 31, 2002 ::: happy flipping halloween!
strangely, the spookiest thing i can talk about today is the programming i saw on television last night. has anyone watched the bachelor? last night was the first time i stumbled across the world's worst reality show. it is comprised of a bachelor with an over inflated ego and beautiful women with the lowest self-esteem. the women are throwing themselves at this worthless guy in hopes he will not kick one of them off at the end of the week. i'm shocked something so sexist that lacks any value is so popular. HA! wait, no i am not!
can't we advance beyond these pitiful gender roles?!?! what makes the experience worse is the support these women receive from their families. on last night's episode the "eligible" bachelor met each of the remaining four girl's family. the families were throwing themselves at the loser as much as the women were... GET A FREAKING GRIP.
needless to say, i won't watch this show again. any recommendations on reading materials?? i'm over bad programming and DISHONEST political campaign ads...
this morning philip and i went for breakfast at a favorite neighborhood joint after the gym. it's old. they only serve breakfast and lunch. the waitstaff is always fun and interactive. you can eat an extreme omlette filled with health and protein. it's a nice alternative to the typical mid-week morning.
after sitting in a dungeon-like conference room for nine hours yesterday, today begs for out of the ordinary events. we stood at the register and as our bill was totaled. one of the super friendly servers entertained us. we joked with her and she joked even more. philip asked if she had already been drinking this morning. she sn-sn-sn-sniffed, blatantly rubbed her nose and began to laugh.
we laughed back, walked to the car and wondered what the hell just happened.
as expected, the gay christmas celebration made my weekend extraordinary! philip and i knew we needed lots of rest for bret's party and the events to follow, so we stayed home on friday night. we ordered chinese and watched movies. we were in bed by ten o'clock. we had so much fun, we decided to repeat this friday night.
we spent saturday waiting to throw on our costumes. john, philip and i pulled of the top three american idol contestants flawlessly. i, of course, was kelly clarkson. philip, refusing to dress in drag, was justin. and john, john was nikki in the flesh.
bret's party rocked. backstreet, after a shower and costume change, provided many laughs. i think sitting outside and babbling something with john about how we could rule this place was one of the best laughs. philip and i arrived home just before sunrise (via taxi). we were in bed until five o'clock yesterday evening. up just in time for dinner and the sunset.
i'm off to charlotte for a meeting tomorrow, so, ya'll enjoy the beginning of your week!
please leave me alone. i know you are enjoying our time together, but i must be honest. i do not like you. i do not even find you remotely interesting. you may feel you are benefiting from our relationship, but it is a one-way street.
i am tired of the sniffles. i am over this cough. the fever you bring is not the worst, but i sure as hell can do without it. it's friday and you're almost gone, but not quite. this is a NOTICE! you are being evicted no later than tomorrow at noon. i have big plans this weekend, missy! you're not going to get in the way of my halloween costume. you'll regret it if you do.
i woke up to a media bombardment regarding the sniper's connection to montgomery, alabama. in a press conference the mayor of montgomery, mayor bobby not-so-bright, continued to refer to the sniper shootings in the DC area as, "the shootings in new england." poor thing. i know he was nervous, but did he need to make southerners appear so ill-informed? the accent was fine; charming even! but should the mayor of montgomery, alabama know the DC area is not in new england??? half of the dc area is in virginia, for chrissakes!
anyway, i'm glad we're nearing more concrete answers in this situation. it has been quite consuming. i know you are happy, too!
last night i attended a cocktail reception for a client. i snuck out a little early to get home and was greeted by police cars surrounding my neighbor's house. her friends were there. her dog was in the front yard. i assumed another break-in occurred.
i went inside and began my evening rituals. from the kitchen window i watched the activity across the street. people were coming. people were leaving. finally the police left. the house had more lights on than ever.
the police returned within fifteen minutes. i knew something was wrong, so i walked outside. i asked one of my neighbor's, "has there been a break-in?" he said, "no. mary anne killed herself." i instantly went back into my house. i felt nosey and disrespectful standing in front of her house.
i did not really know her, but i was overwhelmed with shock. she always seemed so happy walking her dog. she always smiled and waved. i thought she was happy. i never really took the time to find out more. i wish i knew she felt so helpless.
sex makes monday so much more palatable. i'm usually in such a horrible mood it is the furthest thing from my mind. i want to stuff my face and do nothing on monday evenings. it's typically pitiful.
for a change, i really enjoyed monday. i went to the office for the morning. i came home to work in the afternoon. i accomplished a lot. philip got home from work, we organized CDs (thank god) and he left to teach spin shortly thereafter, which provided me with ample ME time. piddle. phone chat. chill. visit with bretwina.
i never realized how important my downtime was until i actually gave it to myself. it's the time i connect most with who i am and where i am in life. it's the time i regroup. it's the time i prepare. it's all my time and i love it. however, my ME time ended with rockin' sex yesterday (and i do mean ROCKIN').
Monday, October 21, 2002 ::: say it southern style
allow me to give you a proper southern introduction. in our rampage of organizing cd's this evening we found: philip's-bestfriend's-girlfriend's-ex*girlfriend's-girlfriend's cd. immediately after philip left to teach his spin class, i started cooking dinner and completely enjoying the voice of ginny wilder. her soft, gentle lyric has finally transported me out of monday. that's no easy assignment, so i highly recommend this remedy to ease your troubled monday.
randy! those of the christian religion have their day of rest each sunday. randy typically enjoys days of rest monday thru wednesday. however, today randy is the only name suited for me.
i'll lay it out for you: this libido of mine is in overdrive. what's up with that? i am working from home and trying to plan ways to bed a certain someone when they get in this evening. it is monday, so my efforts may be futile. cross your fingers for me!
lord, can a boy get some work completed before the day is gone?!?
randomness. it was a weekend completely filled with random stuff.
friday night bret, philip and i ventured to a friend's divorce/freedom party. i was glad to see the guest of honor, but the vibe i was feeling from the other guests was, well, they were dull. we were out the door by 10, home by 10.30 and in bed at a respectable hour.
saturday was a day of domestic activities. groceries. cooking. errands. we landed on bret's patio for late afternoon drinks and conversation. my friends are cathartic. they take me away from me; god knows i need that! bret, philip and i twirled a few dances. after weeks of pleading with my pal to slow down, i threw caution to the wind (again) and encouraged him to fondle cute boys (and discouraged anything less).
by the way, ready is the word i felt when you called me with our costume theme! i love halloween. 'nuff said!
Thursday, October 17, 2002 ::: playing with the queen of hearts
we are over the hump and embarking upon the weekend, ladies and gents. the weather is screaming autumn. the weekend is calling for me to relax. this will be the first weekend we've been in town out of four. i am actually looking forward to yardwork. i am eagerly awaiting the reorganization of my closet (get the summer clothes out of reach). i do not forsee myself landing on any dance floors this weekend, but each time i utter those words we know what happens.
my early morning workout has my blood pumping and my energy level excelerating. the queens in my gym this morning have me laughing. it's time to start the day. who else is ready!?
Wednesday, October 16, 2002 ::: every now and then
yesterday i met a man who recently lost everything. within the last year his wife died, his apartment burned, he lost his job (as a result of the apartment burning) and he was left in these circumstances to raise four children. jobless and stripped of his belongings he came to my house yesterday. my friend scarlett, a teacher at the school his children attend, informed me of his circumstances. ironically, we had a load of things in the garage to take to the salvation army.
he came to collect some of the items last night. we stood in my garage chatting and he said, "the hardest part of every day is when i look at my four children and realize those four lives are depending on me right now. it is scary!" i think i mumbled an i know or something, but i don't know. i've never been in a situation like that. it made me feel an obligation to do more for this family. it made me feel guilty and selfish.
my life is so complete, but i spend my time in a constant quest of more. i worry about not having the latest and greatest, when i should just be glad to have...
it is nearing your bedtime. you are completing tasks around the house. you load the dishwasher. you turn off lights. you walk into your office and log onto your email account. you see there are eight messages waiting for you. you open the inbox and discover all eight messages are more spam. you are frustrated. you wish you could have just ten minutes alone with the fucking people who sent you these fucking emails. you are tired of the fucking notifications about what classmates are doing. you do not need a fucking free phone, because you already have two. you do not care to apply for another fucking credit card. you do not want to do a fucking background check on your lover, because you're in a stable relationship. you do not want a fucking free vacation. you just want these mother fucking emails to stop coming to your box.
i will be out of town all day tomorrow. i wonder what offers my inbox will hold?!?!
riding to athens with parker and philip was a great kick-off to the weekend. i was a passenger, so i opted to mix drinks en route. with each drink i felt five years younger and it was amazing. i never quite reached being an infant, but a few times over the weekend i was under 21.
it happened on friday night. dale, amy, philip and i were roaming the streets of downtown athens in search of fun. we found every possible spot. initially my mission was to locate pizza and subs. i needed fuel for the fire. it was accomplished quickly and the fun flowed. the two highlights of the night involved dancing. the first was philip's clog routine set to kinchafoonee cowboy's blue grass version of amazing grace. the second occurred in subway's parking lot. philip needed a sub. dale and i needed to dance while hanging out of the sunroof. and amy, well, amy had to get her groove while dancing on the sidewalk.
tailgating on saturday was more like a hike from one side of athens to the other. it was a fun day, but a different type of college football game day. philip and i, being old men, went to sleep after the game and stayed in bed until sunday morning. we were on the road back to atlanta by 7.30. before we were out of athens we stopped at super walmart to stock up on items to ensure we were over prepared for our next football weekend. georgia gear we found. we're ready.
sunday in atlanta was a productive and relaxing day. we hit the gym. we saw sweet home alabama. we stocked our cabinets. we even took a trip half-way back to athens to fetch my sister (she was forgotten by her ride). the weekend was completed by movie rentals, dinner at home and hbo programming. and now... IT'S MONDAY!
Friday, October 11, 2002 ::: strange things (blog two is worthy)
last night we discovered a new resident in our garage. a stray cat. it looks a bit unhealthy and i want to know the most effective method to ensure it is evacuated from my home PROMPTLY.
the director i met with this morning decided it necessary to share her former addiction to pain killers with me. she shared how she searched the medicine cabinets of friends, relatives and whomever to feed the need. this morning she had only taken a muscle relaxer. did she know i took a pain killer and a muscle relaxer for my back already today? was i that happy by the time of our meeting?
my brother called to share a story with me. he lunched with parker's friend from high school yesterday (who is now attending holy cross in boston). he learned eric harris from the columbine high school disaster was a friend of mike's growing up. mike's father and eric's father were co-pilots in the air force. six degrees of separation 'tis true.
question: i wonder where the chain to this one begins?
last night i had an epiphany relating to my family's communication patterns. the sad part is, it's not really an epiphany because i've had the same one at least 100 times!
as a child i communicated my needs through whining, tantrums and being a basic brat. guess what? it worked! if i was obnoxious enough, i got what i wanted. it was quite simple and i knew how to play it perfectly. i entered adulthood with these same expectations of the aforementioned behavior and it prooved extremely disappointing. i broke the pattern to the best of my ability, but recently found myself understanding how to survive in this language. it actually freaked me out; and i am glad!
so, anyway... it's the flipping weekend and i have a few things to say...
1. i hope the dentist did not kill your mouth yesterday.
Thursday, October 10, 2002 ::: going to the gym, hungover at 6 am
there were two it originated with demon's email at 3.00 pm. "i want to drink," he proclaimed. i being a sure thing for finding and relishing trouble, agreed to enjoy the late autumn afternoon at my old watering hole with dear, sweet, caring johnbrown. loving and bitter banter ensued. however, we quickly realized a calming factor was required. i cannot trust this sister; and she runs from me!
then there were three mobile technology led su to our alter. she arrived in her vintage truck carrying a suitcase packed with humor, witty words and pleasantry (with the perfect mix of sarcasm). su had me in stitches. i cannot begin to do her justice. i can say, she and demon paid me the nicest compliment. it was affirming to hear my family sees the incredible health of my partner and me.
then there were four knock, knock? who is there? walt. walt whom? the walt who has a boyfriend that skipped the 5.30 meeting. you hear me carry on about his wonderfulfabulousincredibleness often; so i'll stop.
then there were three bye, su! go entertain the bulldykes!
then there were four hi, joel! he arrived sporting work gear and the amazing blend of attitude and humbleness. this was our first visit in too long, so we made it fun.
then there were three bye, john! turn your radio up; i wanted to dance.
the three venture yes, we hit another bar. it offered an opportunity to see faces unseen for too many months. i enjoyed those visits, but it offered something more. the reminder of why i no longer frequent here. i observed the same unappealing level of high-school-esque cliques, hierarchy and shallowness to which i once subscribed, advocated and coveted. frightening aspiration.
the venture ends ahhhh. fun night! great visits. more please.
i see them everyday, but noticed them last night. i rolled over and the four pictures on my nightstand stared me in the face.
first, i looked at the picture of my parents. it was taken when they were much younger than i am. my father was dressed in his navy dress uniform. my mother's hair was styled perfectly for the 60s (and today). mom was pinning dad's navy wings onto his uniform. he finally graduated from flight school. he won the top gun trophy.
second, i looked at the picture of my brother, sister and me. we were all laughing. we were standing on the top of a mountain on the northern coast of maine. it was the middle of last summer. our hair was blowing in the wind. the weather was perfect. the three of us were as close and bonded as we are today.
third, i saw the picture of my grandmothers and me. it was my wedding day. they both looked so beautiful and i was so proud to be with them. one has gone to a better place now, but i cherish them both. they rock.
finally, i saw the picture of philip and me. we were both laughing and holding one another. this is not an uncommon place for our relationship. we were feeling the same connection and joy i feel today.
by the time i had looked at all of the pictures i realized my family sits beside me every night as i sleep. i love them all. they add so much to my life; for this i am thankful.
monday evenings are typically an anti-social time in our home. it is our time to relax; our time to communicate; and it makes monday more palatable! last night had a slight alteration. melissa stopped by with max, her new puppy!
puppies are a lot like children. they bring an ineffable twist to your life. as i watched the little boy sleep, i started to think about how much i take for granted. i do not know why seeing a puppy sent me here, but it happened! i think it was a combination of many things, but mostly the pure joy written all over melissa's face.
i know everyone takes things for granted in life; i just wish i would not! i take my awesome dog, saffron, for granted. i take my family for granted. i take friendships for granted. the list could continue infinitely, as does my apology to those who find themselves on it. afterall, i'm not a puppy... i'm human.
my life is my garden. i must water it properly. i must ensure it receives adequate sunlight. it requires a break from the sunlight. if i really want it to flourish, pull the pesty weeds. they sneak up on me. they look great from a distance, but they will overtake the good.
i really feel like my garden is growing. i'm receiving equal amounts of light, rest and water. i am definitely nutured. there are only a few sporadic weeds. i am pulling them as we speak. every. last. one.
it's monday and it's my opportunity to make things happen.
Thursday, October 03, 2002 ::: i'm going on a picnic
very often i have the most abstract thoughts. if you know me, you know this is more than true. i do not know from where they spring, but it is related to my not so normal childhood (or something). another random chain of thoughts occurred when i received an email from one of the four fantastic lesbians joining philip and myself in the mountains for the weekend. it contained a list of items to bring on our weekend retreat. all of the sudden, my mind reverted to a game we played on roadtrips as children. you got it: i'm going on a picnic. does anyone else remember this?
however, this time it was changed to i am going to the mountains. it went something like this... i'm going to the mountains and i'm bringing:
A bunch of lesbians
Blankets (which we won't need because it is still so fucking hot in Georgia)
Cups (for all of the alcohol we will be drinking)
Dildos (for the pleasure of the said lesbians)
Electric generator (to cool the cabin down enough for a fire)
Gin (since it's not really cool enough for scotch yet)
Hair prodcuts (they are lipstick lesbians, afterall)
Ice (since i won't be drinking scotch, we'll have frozen drinks)
Jam box (it's going to be raining part of the weekend)
Wednesday, October 02, 2002 ::: must be something in the planets
is it a full moon again? what is going on? something, for sure. is it because i just paid my bills? shouldn't i be glad i can pay all of my bills? hell no! i want to get ahead. i do not want to follow this routine for the rest of my life.
steve wrote and i related today! jonathan had a link to madonna's die another day posted. i love madonna, so i followed the link. i heard the clip. i read the lyrics and decided, i'm not going to die another day.
i too, will break this cliche! but i cannot decide what i actually think of the song!
this week is crawling. it's one of those administrative weeks at work. things are a little slow at the beginning of the month. the days do not drag, but they certainly do not race. we also have my weekend plans to factor into the slow pace.
i cannot wait to be in the mountains. a small cabin. a few friends. lots of food. cards. trails. come on friday!!!! come on.