Monday, September 30, 2002 ::: just a quick prayer
thank you, god, for the life you've given me. thank you for my wonderful partner. thank you for my wonderful family. thank you for my wonderful friends. sometimes i take it all for granted. sometimes i forget how lucky i am. just when i do, you let a story come into my life (like what i heard today). i cry because i realize how lucky i am to be protected from these pains. so very lucky!
i know as time passes i will occasionally forget my blessings. i know you will continue to remind me subtly. my only request is that the words i spoke to my friend tonight will not go unheard. please let them register and be processed. please!
here we go again. another monday. it's not too bad. it is just a little disappointing to get back to the grind after such a nice weekend. the mamma mia! matinee was great yesterday. some of the characters were stronger than on broadway, others were weaker. it balanced out perfectly; and i enjoyed the opportunity to see the show again.
the set. the story. the music. the costumes. oh, the costumes!!!! it's all so uplifting. if it comes your way, take advantage!
Sunday, September 29, 2002 ::: create, recreate and create again
my metamorphasis began sometime ago; it's inception was the culmination of many things. the further i move from the very distant point of origination, the more i appreciate where i am today. after an amazing evening at home with thesetwo, we ventured to an art showing at an acquaintance's home. at this point our wonderful evening crashed into a world i remember, but not affectionately.
the realization of this was incredibly affirming. sadly, there is a world where your friends are not really your friends. in this world it is quite acceptable for your ex-boyfriend, while struggling to be comical, may attempt to bash you as you stand with a group of the people who are really your friends. it opened my eyes. it actually, in the most interesting, unexpected way, freed me of my self-imposed obligations. shew!!
my weekend of quality time with quality people continues today. thank god! speaking of quality people, what's for brunch, SWEETIE?
Saturday, September 28, 2002 ::: saturday. sun. sure.
this is the weekend of spending time with friends i did not see frequently enough this summer. it is his fault. it is her fault. it is my fault. our vacations were back-to-back. it's too hot to be out. big, freakin': whatever!
last night was the kick-off to my realizing how important my friends and friendships are to the wholeness of me! these people are the missing pieces to the puzzle i thought were thrown away. how could i be so blind?!
i know i talk about her often, but i do wish parker was here too. i hope she's having fun!
Friday, September 27, 2002 ::: i may be gay, but i drink my beer from a KOOH-ZEE
an evening of must see tv with my sister started with a bash. music. stories. laughter. this routine is oft followed. parker played an anthology of madonna's music in the eighties (she's nearly as obsessed as i with madonna). in spite of my back, we danced around to each of the songs. a portion of the mix reminded me of a story from seventh grade. at the time it was so degrading, but now i find it hilarious. yes, the song, the song: material girl.
i was, *clearing throat*, in the seventh grade band; i played percussion. i walked into band nervous everyday. there was a group of bullies in the band. yes, even band geeks were bully-ish at times. when i entered the room they called my name and sang, "we are living in a material world and walt is a material girl...." at the time it was one of the most humiliating moments of the day. now, with more years under my belt, i laugh everytime i hear the song. i even sing the words. have i been reduced or did they induce self-actualization? i'd say the latter.
so, i am off to finish work and enjoy the weekend. i hope you do too!
do you ever feel like you need something exciting to spice up your life? i am not referring to any type of drama. i am not speaking of anything outlandish. i mean good, clean fun. an outting with wacky friends would suit perfectly.
wait a minute: first, is tomorrow evening with my beau and sister. the three of us always have fun! next, saturday night dale and amy are coming over for dinner/a double date. dale and i always have fun. i'm looking forward to getting to know amy. finally, sunday afternoon is a crew going to see mamma mia! with us. whenever you are around there is always funk and jive.
see, i just need to remind myself i am stuck in the middle of a week. it seems i start feeling lost at sea at this point. wait, wait... there is the land; over there!
today is just a day. it feels like a wednesday. there is nothing exciting happening. there is nothing i am dreading. i am just going through the motions and doing what must be done.
i have a voucher to avoid the line at the dmv. i start physical therapy today. so strange. two weeks ago i was fine, now i have this back problem that prohibits me from rolling over in bed without major pain resulting. after this morning i am making calls to chiropractors. maybe they can crack this back of mine into shape.
it is raining today, thanks isidore. i really love rainy weather!
patience is a virtue and i am going to learn it. this morning was lesson one. the division of motor vehicles may not be the place to find your next dinner party guest, but it made for morning amusement. i arrived in line at 7.30 this morning. surprisingly the crowd was already congregated outside the door. there was no semblance of a line, so i attempted to navigate everyone into a line behind me. they followed me, somewhat.
at nine o'clock the doors opened. i thought the man with the key was peter at the pearly gates of heaven; little did i know it was lucifer. i was so excited to be number three. i knew i would not be stuck in the masses long. i looked to my left and a large woman sat beside me and pulled information on the unc, chapel hill. she began to tell me how she was going to medical school here because they recruit native americans and african americans. she was going back to school at kennesaw state in the fall. she has read about every city in north carolina in the encyclopedia recently. she felt it necessary to share each piece of trivia she remembered. how wilmington was named, who was from chapel hill, who was from raleigh... it all runs together.
i was shocked by the announcement of a crashed computer system. i left. they gave me a voucher to not stand in line tomorrow. thanks!
why am i having so much fun organizing all of these piles into a database? there is something about getting organized that makes me feel so in-charge; and i like that feeling! i love the fact that technology lends itself to organization. organization lends itself to productivity. productivity lends itself to success. success lends itself to great vacations. great vacations make me happy.
next break in two weeks. a little mountain retreat. counting the days at this point!
Sunday, September 22, 2002 ::: a fulfilling weekend
it is so interesting to me how things always come full circle. every event and circumstance shakes out and lands where it is supposed to, at precisely the right moment. apropos!, is the exact thing to say today.
i returned from lunch with my father and sister today. my back was aching. my insides were aching. i was hurting emotionally and physically. i was mulling over the fact there are so many parts of my life unconnected. the worlds do not always meet. it was not my choice, it was my lot.
what do you know? the phone rings and it is my father. he is en route to buy a new printer for me. he wanted to "stop by" and drop it off at my new home. he did not suggest meeting philip. i assumed he would phone from the driveway and return to his hotel. however, i knew the remote possibility existed.
philip frantically shaved, changed clothes and dealt with the nervousness of meeting ones in-laws for the first time. i tried to ward off the butterflies, but to no avail. they were swarming. thirty minutes after a phone call from my father the doorbells rang. he came into our home. he met philip. we were all extremely nervous, but a milestone occurred today. his visit was only thirty minutes, but it is a step in the healthiest direction.
he called after departing with "instructions for my new printer." i thanked him for coming. he said, "i love you, son. it was time. i cannot run from this part of your life." i told you my father was intelligent. i knew he was. i love my dad!!
Saturday, September 21, 2002 ::: i left the house, twice
i left the house for dinner with my father last night. i was doped up on percocet and muscle relaxers. philip and i have dated for well over a year, but i obviously never mentioned his name to my father prior to yesterday. i decided after the intrafamily relational complications caused through my complete honesty with them about my ex, silence about my dating life was the best alternative. i just assumed the rest of my family would talk of him. he's been to my dad's sister's beach home, for chrissake! my silence led my father (and possibly my mother) to believe i was on a path to heterosexuality. i jumped over this hurdle (while being overly attentive to his beliefs), as i always do, and steered conversation towards common ground.
my old school of thought would force the issue with him. i would want him to see things my way. i know that is as impossible as him seeing things my way. it's just much easier to enjoy the things we do have in common. life is too short to battle with loved ones. i'm happy in my life. this fact cannot go unrecognized by him. it must provide some level of comfort for him, but we're both adults and we both must claim our own comforts.i love my father. it just baffles me that such an intelligent and accomplished man can be so closed.
my second outing was to the grocery store at eight o'clock this morning. following stocking the cabinets, i cooked and cooked and cooked. it is so cathartic for me. it's times like this i realize home much i am like june cleaver and my mother. chicken salad anyone? everything is fresh and from scratch!!!
it is friday, but the weekend i envisioned is not the weekend i will enjoy. unfortunately, my doctor informed me yesterday he believes i have a herniated disk in my back. fortunately, my weekend will keep me close to home and extremely productive on a domestic level. i plan to organize my desk, put my budget into a spreadsheet, finish a list of proposals for work, enjoy dinner with my father and sister tonight AND appreciate the great pain killers my doc prescribed yesterday.
i took the muscle relaxer and the pain killer when i got home from visiting the doctor yesterday. i was on the phone with bret and could barely communicate for laughing. i felt stoned. philip suggested he count the pills to make sure i'm following the prescribed orders; i think i was having a little too much fun.
i am scheduled to begin physical therapy next week. the words surgery fell across said doctor's lips. i am not so sure how i feel about that. it is a remote possibility, but back surgery is not an avenue i wish to drive. i am considering a chiropractic opinion. so many people have mixed feelings, but i have solicited the opinions of several friends who actually recovered from a herniated disk through chiropractic care. i'm searching my directory of covered providers RIGHT NOW. keep the knives away from my back...
on a side note: what is typical bath house activity? if you were in a bath house would you read blogs? it is just not something i would place on the activity list. however, someone from here visited a mind's eye this morning. stranger things have happened.
Thursday, September 19, 2002 ::: whatchu mean truth, willis?
who is sending the messages about truthfulness to me?! if you were concerned, they are arriving. there is an invasion of the theme of truth on who we know as waltalicious. the stretch is now at about four days. i am a completely honest person, so i realize the messages are related to personal truths.
we ordered chinese for dinner last night. i love mongolian chicken, pot stickers and egg drop soup. it may not be the best for my waistline, but mister palet seems to appreciate the gift. my favorite part of ordering chinese is taking turns mixing the fortune cookies around. last night was my turn to pick first. i anxiously grabbed the one that was screaming, "i'm your fortune, walt!" can you imagine what the asian cookie had to say? you got it: KEEP TRUE TO THE DREAMS OF YOUR YOUTH.
Wednesday, September 18, 2002 ::: the truth will set you free
speaking frankly, parker's poem left a marked impression on me. it is possible the impact is a result of my grave respect for her. it is also possible her truths left a stamp on me. it happens to address where i have been (or not been) lately. i have felt FLAT, AGED AND DULL. maybe not on the outside, but definitely internally. this feeling of my life currently lacking meaning and purpose is pervasive. a mass exodus of youthfulness from my soul occurred.
the sheer fact of starting my career over at the age of thirty profoundly impacts me. i like what i am doing now and know i have a bright future, but i am not out saving lives or making huge impacts on the world each day. i am certainly not actively pursuing my passion in life. what is holding me back? who is telling me i cannot do it? i am surrounded by wonderful friends and family. i have a partner who would support any endeavor i decide to make mine. i want to know why i cannot do the same?!
i keep telling myself it is baby steps. it is one day at a time. i cannot completely alter everything overnight, but for some reason i need constant reminders of my progress. i see it, but i think i measure myself against standards that are unrealistic. i know the answers lie within me. i know them. i see them. i just must embrace them.
Tuesday, September 17, 2002 ::: too impressed to entitle
i talk about my sister often. the reasons are numerous. she's an eighteen year-old with an amazing mind, an exciting future and so much to offer. she's my friend. she's my confidant. she's my buddy.
not only has she scored dates with two hotties this week (the first is a hunky frat boy and the second is a guy who dresses so well she thought he was gay until she learned he was russian), but she also wrote this poem (and i'm impressed with it ALL)...
Not a time of life,
Yet a state of mind.
For years may wrinkle the skin,
But ridding your life of enthusiasm
Only wrinkles the soul.
You are as young as your faith,
As old as your doubt.
As young as your assurance,
As old as your fears.
For someday the time will come for growing old.
It is the same day that pessimism seizes your heart.
by P-Funkalicious. ;-)
many thanks, p-funkalicious. your older brother obviously needed to read those words. any other wise advice?
who has not seen riding in cars with boys? well, she pulled off another amazing performance. the film was very well written. it is a story with the capability of effectively pulling you through twenty years in a matter of hours. that talent is interesting to me. the moment you are engulfed time segments seem so real. it amazes me how you can completely connect with someone in that short of a period. you see their life. you know them. you know what to expect from them.
i am no longer a professional closet case. i'm out to my boss. i'm out to my co-workers. i'm out to my customers. i'm out. i'm out. i'm out. yes, i am thirty. yes, this is a delayed event. at least it happened.
it happened so easily. being completely honest gives me a confidence previously unknown. my boss and many of my clients even went with a group of us to a drag show at club one in savannah. it was quite the entertaining experience. actually, the whole convention was entertaining. i wish i could post all of the things i witnessed at this particular work function, but it would not be right. it just would be soooo wrong.
this is a great way to be greeted today. rain. i love it. it makes me want to climb into bed, find an old movie, snuggle and sleep. unfortunately, i have too many checks to accomplish on my to-do list after being in savannah since wednesday. it was work, but it did not feel like work. i always said i like charleston, south carolina much more than savannah. i think i had just not taken the opportunity to explore savannah.
the old homes. the trees. the spanish moss. the squares. the vibe. i enjoyed it all. i do not think i can count the number of times i said, "i could really live here." the nice, slower pace is really alluring to me. on saturday philip and i took a walk in the afternoon. i love to explore by foot. oddly, i most enjoyed our walk through a cemetary. thinking about the marks these people left in the world and reading about their lives was intriguing. one historical marker stands out in my mind. the man, who died at the age of 32, accomplished more in his life than most people do by the age of 50. it really made me think even more about my direction.
the dinner my company co-sponsored last night at elizabeth on 37th was over the top. the networking opportunities professionally were great. i even made a few new friends. who can complain?
i sit here with tears filling my eyes as i listen to the names of the victims be read. i sit here amazed by the fact the wind began to blow as the first name was read. the dust began to blow. they are not gone. their deaths are not futile. god bless you. god bless america. god bless our world.
more strange dreams last night. i guess i am continuing to release garbage and make room for the things of personal growth. maybe it's a result of the increasing coverage of tomorrow's anniversary. everywhere i turn i hear about the increased security. i am reminded of what a horrible day september 11, 2001 was. i can only imagine the feelings evoked in people who suffered loss. it's seems different than the anniversary of someone who died on may 27, 1984 of cancer. it's different than the anniversary of someone who died on January 7, 1979. it's different because the sheer volume of people hurting is astronomical. it is my wish that everyone finds comfort in something this tragedy led them to discover.
i'll be finding comfort in life's simple things. the really important ones.
that's right. it is monday. however, my mood is not at all reflective of a monday. i had a great weekend. i spent time with people i enjoy. i realized the need to eliminate garbage from my life (on so many levels). i'm happy. happy and it's monday. can you believe it?!?
i look around and like some of what i see, but am disenchanted by others. my conclusion is this: sometimes being gay is like being a celebrity in your own mind. it's all about your schedule, your wardrobe, your appearances and more you. it's a lot annoying and a little exhausting to subscribe to this school of thought. i'm not bitter. i'm not jaded. i'm simply resolved to be better. not better in a superior way, but better in a way that gives to the world (rather than takes).
this is not just some contrived sunday morning thought. i really have been thinking about the whole give-take balance in my life. i am just searching for a method/cause to feed my give-back-desire.. maybe it's the lack of children in my life. maybe it is the saturation of me in my life. whatever it is, i'm searching for ways to give. i have ideas, but they are in infancy stages. my desire to do more, however, is not. let's see where this will take us. if it proves futile, at least i can rest with my good intentions.
Saturday, September 07, 2002 ::: sunday, now that's my funday!
work. work. work. working like a busy bee today. our yard sale intentions are blown to hell and a trip to the step-up society resulted. we were both tired of boxes piled in the garage. there was a path that barely allowed you to walk. it's empty, clean and free of garbage now. i was amazed by the things i kept. i feel so much better giving it away, rather than attempting to sell my trash.
saturday's random facts:
*tonight is another dinner gathering, but it does not promise to be nearly as fun as last night's.
*bret and john's arrival home tomorrow may be delayed thanks to an airline strike. hello?! don't these people know i am anxiously awaiting the arrival of two freaky friends?!
*judging by my sitemeter, a mind's eye is one of the top ten destinations for kelly clarksongoogle searches.
*friday night's mission accomplished and i was asleep by 11.30. good boy!
Friday, September 06, 2002 ::: friday night and it's the weeeeekend...
everybody is doing what?
i could not be happier for the arrival of friday. i was driving from the office to my house (for lunch) and started thinking about my friends. the onset of the weekend brings thoughts of friends. i have not seen so many of them lately. it's been the timing of summer, trips, work and other obligations. it's what happens every summer, but it is all about to change. the groove of fall is upon us, along with consistent visits with THE PEOPLE.
life is so cyclical. my moods even follow the same cycle every week. we know what monday's bring: BITTERNESS. wednesday or thursday typically welcomes a little drunken boy, but not this week. so, tonight at your house i am going to empty the liquor cabinets.
off to an appointment downtown and then to visit with my sister. where's my bong?
if i could do it all over again, i would change everything. none of my actions would be the same. i would be more careful. can we have a replay? a do-over? could it be just practice? anything! something! just not this.
standing in the line for a lost driver's license is dreadful. it is more than enough to ruin a fabulous thursday. when i realized my wait from two o'clock was an additional two hours, i left the building. i will deal with this another day. needless to say i was a bit crabby. i do not understand what takes so fucking long to snap a picture and print a license?! why is every government run office slow, slower, slowest and slowerest?
even more importantly: where did i lose my license? it could be any number of places. i guess the only thing to say is: FUCK IT. i will arrive for the dmv line earlier next time. i'll be the first one there.
my bad mood, however, has been altered. i received a call from a certain european traveler who seems to be having a fabulous time.
Wednesday, September 04, 2002 ::: dream, dream, dream...
it was all so real. i was one of few; and envied by many. i was a friend of an idol...
i am so wacked and obsessed. i dreamt about my favorite american idol, kelly clarkston. an exclusive invitation to her victory party tonight was mine. i do not even know if it honestly exists, but i was there. she invited me to her new, plush condo in manhattan after the party. she solicited my opinion on her career. we were instantly great friends.
i am thirty. i am gay. i am too old and have the wrong sexual orientation to dream about this pop-bubble-gum-marketed-show. or am i?!!
was it sunday night? yes, it was sunday night. i walked to the car to fetch something. on the way back i stopped to urinate outdoors. i heard the conversation and laughter of labordayers sitting near trey and emo's pool (one of whom was your boyfriend). the voices carried through the air and reminded me of the joys of a holiday weekend. there are so few worries on a holiday.
philip and i decided last weekend not to make any firm plans. we just rolled with the punches and landed where we landed. friday night we went to dinner with a group of people. we had a chance to catch up with our friend russ. too much fun. saturday we took off to athens and had the best day.
the weather was incredible. no heat. no humidity. no sun. i ran into your sister-in-law at dinner. she and her friends entertained me for hours. sunday brought the arrival of karen. we had a great visit .
we talked. we played cards. we ate. we made a wish at 11:11. i got enough sleep to last a lifetime. is it next labor day yet?