yesterday the world was spinning. my day was chaoticly insane! i had two rather important meetings. the first was a nightmare, then it was great, then it was ok and ended well. from there i had to go to the office, skip lunch and put together a proposal. i finished just in time to leave the office for my 3.00 appointment.
driving on the freeway my tire blew out. my car was pulled across six lanes of traffic. i had to call said appointment and reschedule. wearing my most fabulous suit, i changed the tire. i went directly to the neighboorhood tire store. luckily, the lady at the counter is a neighbor. she repaired my tire at no cost and made waltalicious a happy boy.
mowed my lawn; then received a call from studly boyfriend. i went to help him do yardwork. we cooked a healthy dinner (the kick-off of our fabulous-spring-gay-sexpot-body diet). we chatted. we had the most amazing s*x of my life.
is our full moon approaching an end? yes, it is actually waning now. will the incredible weather continue? no, but it will return soon.
i love the waxing moon. from the time i notice it, i stand outside and gaze in amazement. i love the full moon even more. i am overwhelmed by the beauty. however, i gladly bid the craziness associated with a full moon adieu! waning moons are not so bad. slowly, it releases the grasp of sanity back into our lives.
not to worry... i maintained composure, AGAIN. now, continue and read this little poem. go celebrate wednesday. go celebrate life. just go celebrate something. work hard and prepare for your weekend!
And like a dying lady, lean and pale,
Who totters forth, wrapped in a gauzy veil,
Out of her chamber, led by the insane
And feeble wanderings of her fading brain,
The moon arose up in the murky east,
A white and shapeless mass.
the weather in atlanta is ideal. the high today is 72 and i am stuck in an office until my 3 o'clock appointment. my dog is going to welcome her afternoon walk today. i am going around five. do you care to join me, dale?
i spent the majority of my weekend with my father; the remainder i spent with philip. my weekend rocked.
my father and i were greeted with frightening news about my cousin on saturday. she may have brain cancer. the tests are being run today and preliminary results tomorrow. we almost jetted to knoxville to see her, but did not want to make her more nervous than she already is. we stayed in georgia and i learned how to drive my father's harley-davidson. i will own a harley within two years. i may be a bottom, but i'll be the butch guy decked out in leather on a harley too!
this is the man who has been a workaholic his entire life. i spent the majority of my childhood wondering in what part of the world my father was or when i would see him next. i never really related to him. i never thought i would do enough to please him. IT IS ALL SO DIFFERENT NOW. i really like the person my father has become with age. i told him on saturday i have always loved him, but i realize now i like him.
we had a great dinner saturday. we rode the bike more on sunday. we talked. it was a complete father-son weekend.
Friday, January 25, 2002 ::: shall i become a monk?
this weekend, i want to be an adult. dinner with philip at commune tonight. i am spending the day with my father tomorrow, who is in town on business. i have yet to decide our dinner destination, but looking forward to time with him.
depending upon our schedule, i plan to swing by and say happy birthday to ashley too!
Thursday, January 24, 2002 ::: happy half birthday to me!
this is my post for the morning of january 25, 2002. i will be in a training class at the fox. the seminar begins at 7.00. yes, 7.00 am.
i had a lovely half birthday dinner tonight with my pretty neighbor, mahasti. she's so charming and interesting. for our next meal she's preparing a native persian dish for her beau, philip and me. FUN!
happy half birthday to waltalicious!!!!!! 29.5, folks. it is downhill from here.
when jeremy and i split writing became an indescribable release for me. i stumbled across this account of the day of reckoning yesterday. it is my "how to." i wrote this five weeks after the day that allowed me to be. finding this afforded me a blissfully retrospective moment. everyone say: thank god you are still not sane!
Brush teeth. Brush hair. Apply products. Deodorant. Clothes. Shoes. Extras. Bam! You are officially ready to be dumped. Just go to work. You definitely want an outlet today. What better place to cry than your office? Your boss will always support you when you're a complete wreck. Trust me.
You make plans to lunch with your lovely beau. The thought that, "this could be the day we get back on track," crosses your mind. However, the voice of reason should quickly inform Mary Poppins that she is way off base. Meltdown approaching.
At lunch (or whatever medium) the tension is apparent. You cannot look into one another's eyes. You cannot decide what to order.
TIP: Eat healthy; you want to be trim and toned now. Flab is not valued on the open market.
Your entrees arrive and the bomb is dropped. You do it. He does it. You both do it. In whatever position you find yourself, MAINTAIN YOUR COMPOSURE. Be strong. You do not want to be the weak one. You cannot show that card now. Have dignity. If you missed this advice somewhere along the line, it's never too late.
Now is not the time to even think about splitting your home. Do not give consideration to where you will live. It is best to completely pamper yourself through this day. Allow your friends to take all responsibility for you.
TIP: You have this vindication for about two weeks. Use it. Accept the dinner offers. Their company will ground you in ways you cannot imagine.
Go back to your day. Work. Call your closest friends and organize a gathering at a preferred watering hole. Make it somewhere basic. Tonight allows no pretension. You will need to be severely watered.
At the end of the day you have worked. You have cried. You have emailed and called 100 of your closest friends to let them know you need their support right now. You have basically turned into a complete emotional idiot. It's ok. No one expects anything more from you. Every little effort you make today looks like a profound leap. Enjoy it. These low expectations are short-lived.
Request your best friend pick you up or walk with you to your evening destination. Luckily in my situation the weather was warm. I sported flip-flops, shorts and a t-shirt. I looked fabulous (for a freak). I felt like hell. A voice continually told me, "this is for the best," for at least the last six months. It tried to speak again today. It became the voice who cried wolf.
Arrive. Hugs. I'm sorry. Are you ok? Enough already. Stop talking about him. Do not think about him. Think about the boy in the gym who is in your head every time you masturbate. Is he single? You'll need some one-night stands. They are coming sooner than later! You should probably use this time to fulfill the many fantasies that had been left unattended for the past few years.
Tell stories with your friends. Laugh with them. Make plans for the next 14 nights. Make potential travel plans. Have a good night. Drink a lot. Be bad to your body. You need this. You will soon be on a regimen of health, health, health-sweetie.
Stumble to the destination you arranged to sleep that night. Climb into bed after your evening rituals. If you do not have one it is time to create one. Wash your face. Brush your teeth. Floss. Moisturize. Clean contacts. Check eyebrows for strays.
TIP: Stay away from home tonight. You do not want those reminders. Let him deal with that.
Close your eyes. Pass out and prepare yourself for the instant shock of the next morning. It is an exceptional experience…
i love dreams. in my dream last night i moved to san diego with shawn and his beau. i quit my job. i called to let them know i was coming and to prepare the guest room. i had a cathartic drive from atlanta to san diego. i arrived and my dream ended while we were walking through a sunny park. what happened next? am i happy in san diego?
i know why i dreamt about the park. yesterday i was thinking of shawn and my daily walks in piedmont park last spring. i was newly single. shawn made waltalicious his afternoon project.
a day dream must take the place of this unfinished business. i always like to replace an unfinished dream with a realistic day dream. i will plan a trip. out west. philip and i can rent a car and drive the pch. we will visit shawn. we will visit jefferson in LA. we will visit his uncle. we will visit napa.
i love california. i have not been in a year. a spring trip may be in order.
she made me laugh again. some guy she met sent her an email asking what she and her friends did on the weekends, because he wanted to determine if it was the same as he and his friends. she replied:
now my students are in spanish. i have tons of work to do. i have been sick for days, so i am blowing it off. did you grow up in kansas city, i mean does your family live there also? my family lives in charlotte, nc. i love it there! i may move back. who knows. atlanta is a very very wild place. on friday nights my friends and i go play bingo at the local diner with the elderly. on saturdays we usually go roller skating at the local rink. saturday nights we like to go sing karaoke and shoot skeet at the fair grounds. sundays we go to church and then bible study until 6 when we attend a healing service.
bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad news! i cannot go to mardis gras. my mandatory account review and business plan presentation to our regional vice president has been moved from february 7 to february 11. the event lasts from 9.00 am to 3.00 pm. my vacation request cannot be met. i cannot dance in the streets of new orleans with john this year.
the most horrible thing is this: i am in much better shape than last year and i do not get to dance in a sexy costume. my name is walt and i am pissed!
my roommate called me from here this morning. i think he is having fun. last night he was briefly detained by the police for smoking a little weed. from what he remembers they ran his license and saw he had no prior record and let him go. this, of course, was after a little questioning surrounding what they may find back in they boys condo.
it is a holiday and i will eat unhealthy foods for lunch today. i am just sitting here thinking about the 50% of my friends who are enjoying this national holiday skiing, sleeping, eating, drinking, reading or whatever. here i am in this lovely cube. thankful to call it my own, but annoyed to be here at this particular moment.
lunch was spent reading emails and i had the cutest thank you from my mother. she is on a mission for fitness. she thanked me for starting her regimen and being so motivated to exercise and have such a balanced life. me: a balanced life. i love you, MOTHER!
i have also been checking out a new blog. so this is me was created by my friend amy in DC. i've known amy since her birth. our fathers were in the navy together. our mothers spent lots of time together. amy is family and amy is fun... luckily (for her sanity), she wised up and did not date my younger brother.
to live in a gay world free of drama. to live in a gay world free of hate. to live in a gay world filled with people like my friends. to live in a gay world filled with patience. to live in a gay world filled with good humor. to live and a gay world and be a rock star. to live in a gay world where every weekend is as fun as this weekend. to live in a gay world where every party is as much fun as the birthday party for steve at john's on saturday. to live in a gay world where lesbians are as sexy as melissa and dale.
Friday, January 18, 2002 ::: ten is for everything
the juke box at moe's and joe's absolutely kicks major ass. where can you hear rolling stones, johnny cash and violent femmes (not that i particularly favor all of these types of music; they just mix really well with the beer and conversation) within five minutes of one another? where can you see unlike people gather? where can you eat grease or have a goose liver sandwich? in atlanta, only at moe's!!
i had a welcomed surprise visit from edna and the beau, who recently returned from a military mission in afghanistan. they were flying to park city, utah for time with his family and skiing today. edna knows me well enough to acknowledge i do sometimes stray to the extravagant. she re-re-re-emphasized they were not dressed for dinner and just wanted to grab a few drinks. moe's was the only answer. we enjoyed many pitchers of beer.
this was my first opportunity to meet chris. it was an absolute pleasure. he shared the most amazingly frightening and interesting stories about his experiences in afghan. i was overtaken with admiration for his complete and genuine humbleness regarding his efforts.
he treats my edna like the princess she is. she completely admires him. they are adorable. i love to see edna find this in someone. she finally has what she deserves; as does chris. i wonder if i'll be in the wedding? (always about the leo)
if anything makes me happy it is sex. i love sex. good sex. playful sex. fun sex. sexy sex. sex. sex. sex. the word is fun, but the act is better (if you are with someone who knows what to do). i have been sick and it is time to release some of the sexual energy within me. poor, poor philip! he is in trouble.
my sex rant really is a result of watching my favorite little hbo program last night. sex in the city is such a fun show. i love the storyline. i love the characters. i love the little lessons. i relate most to samantha! maybe it is her blatant honesty. maybe it is her sexual freedom. maybe it is her unapologetic approach to life. whatever it is, i dig her!
i do wish i could have carrie's beau aidan for one night of fun. he is enough man to keep me happy for DAYS and DAYS.
god, i am so horny today! it may be time to follow my roommate's advice and take care of business in the bathroom at work.
words have flowed with the ease of happiness within me the past few days. in short, that is not very well. i have officially been residing within the funky-funkster's-funk-zone. i am not sad. i am not excited. i am just breathing. i know i am reaching the end of it. i know a portion of it is a result of being sick. i know another portion of it is just wanting just a little bit more out of life. but i am not asking for much; just a little bit more!
i know when i want a little more, the best way to receive it is to GIVE A LITTLE BIT MORE. tomorrow is the 17th. 7 is my number. tomorrow is the day to give...
i just returned from an alliance luncheon. my company has forged an alliance with a major hardware provider. the support is supposed to flow into all portions of both organizations. it sounds great in the emails. it sounds great on paper. in concept, it can work very well.
there were three people i wanted to meet today. they, in addition to many others, were not in the meeting. the room was basically filled with people from my office.
Tuesday, January 15, 2002 ::: it keeps going and going
he is to be brought back to the united states, but the charges against him do not carry the death penalty. i wonder if he feels the same fear felt by the citizens waiting in the towers on september, 11?
i enjoyed the weekend. friday night consisted of dinner (thanks, steve), two parties and a little dance on the floor of the heretic with bret. my ex, jeremy, was at both parties. i got completely stoned with him and hung out with he and his new beau, who is a really nice guy.
saturday night was much of the same, but instead philip and i cooked at home. we played cards. we watched legally blonde (again).
sunday was a much needed day of me. i hung at home until late afternoon when philip and i hit the gym. last night was another night of movies and food. does it have to be over? i am so chilled!
my lesbian girlfriends, melis and dalicious, were both looking fabulous last night. i love them. dale has a new girlfriend who surpasses any woman i have seen her date in years! go 'licious!
i love my friends and tonight is more time with them. a dinner party. a going away party. a birthday party. party-party-party. i even love the ones who accuse me of things when i am actually out on client meetings all morning. mr. akafrankgreen, just because you love the metro on thursday does not mean i do too!
Thursday, January 10, 2002 ::: what's going on, what's going on
i had a really nice dinner with mister-mister last night at red snapper. it comes as no surprise. i always enjoy my time with philip. we talked a lot. we were both noticeably nervous. we both apologized. the net of the situation is we are dating exclusively.
we went home and watched the american music awards. two words: GO CHER! she looked fabulous. blonde hair. great clothes. kick-ass body! three words: GO AWAY MICHAEL! he looked awful. same tired shiny jackets. lame ass extensions. abnormal shape for a body. both icons have spent a little time under the knife. if i were close to going under the knife, i would call cher for a rec before i called michael! no second thoughts, either.
tonight is dinner at dalicious'. yay! waltalicious loves dalicious. it's my lesbian night. my night of beautiful, glammed-up DYKES! maybe a little jig at hoedowns afterwards. every boy needs a country-western lesbian night out from time-to-time. don't you think?
tomorrow night is time with my friends. this girl and that girl and all of the other party girls... better be ready for family fun. who has the minivan?
there is a man in my office who always looks perfect. his shirts are tucked as perfectly as his pants are pressed. his ties are tied as neatly as his shoes are polished. each time i enter the men's room on our floor he is ogling himself in the mirror. he shines his shaved head. he straightens his tie. i think he even puts cover-up on his perfectly chocolate skin.
should i be investing more business hours in this type of behavior? would it improve my chances for a promotion? i prefer to blog and tell you about my silly experiences.
blogger's servers are unable to publish currently. whatever! as much as i pay for this service, i expect them to work 27 x 7. ok? ok!
dinner last night with bret and my father was great. i must admit i was a little nervous. since busting out of the closet my parents interaction with my gay world has been limited at best. the last year has really, for some reason, softened their edges and fears of my gay world (SOMEWHAT). it was evident dad was comfortable last night. next is mom, which is to be followed by them both meeting a boyfriend.
speaking of boyfriends... philip called a few times yesterday. i am curious as to what he will say this evening. i obviously love him. i do not want to run from that. i just want to ensure whatever happens from here is healthy, stable and HEALTHY!
busy, busy morning. excellent workout; included cardio. meeting so far north of the city i cannot remember where i was. lunch with an old buddy to vent emotions. head cleared. excellent insight provided. direction generally decided. feeling good. back to work.
i will return. i will have ample thoughts to share tomorrow. maybe.
this day is dragging. i am dragging. my mood is dragging. dragging. dragging. dragging. i cannot meet philip tomorrow night for dinner to discuss everything because my father is in town and we are having dinner. i conveniently forgot our plans. oops, sorry dad! wednesday it is.
things with philip are a little in limbo. i like resolve in my life. i want to know the deal. i want to know what i am going to say. i want to know what i am going to do. i want to stop being confused and scared.
do you know what you would do if you could turn back time? i do. it is quite clear, but i never seem to take the path with less resistance. i love to swim in rocky currents upstream. i love to walk backwards up every mountain. how could i possibly do anything else at this point?
i woke yesterday at six o'clock. it was still dark. the street lights were glaring. i was prepared to make my trek to the gym. i looked out the window and it was still pouring snow. the ground was covered and so were the branches of every tree. there was no way to distinguish between my yard and the street. it was absolutely gorgeous. i knew my day would be spent close to home!!
the morning was close to home. late morning and early afternoon consisted of a very good workout with my roommate and philip. the rest of the day was spent relaxing with philip. we ate vegetable soup. we stopped in to visit with the divas, where we told stories of our respective holiday tripssss and shared our resolutions (by the way, i am doing VERY well!!!).
philip and i were (at his) home by dark and watched moulin rouge. it was my first time to see the film and i loved it. what an incredible love story. what an incredible production. oh how i would love to see it performed on a stage!
every year i create fantastic resolutions. i stick to some; i break others. folks, this is how it works. i resolve to be a kinder person and the next thing you know i cut people off in traffic. i resolve to be a muscle boy and i am still working towards it. matt lauer was talking about baby steps with a guest on the today show this morning. i think baby steps will be the only way i reach my primary resolution this year, because i really want a cigarette right now.
luckily, i have two people supporting me in this endeavor and taking the walk with me. my best friend and my boyfriend. i know others will support me in this, but others may not have the desire to chew on their desk to eliminate my current craving.
much time has passed since my last post! many times of holiday fun. a commencement of a new year. a trip to south florida with the most wonderful man and fun friends. a commitment to give up nicotine again. one controlled club night i will always remember. boyfriend's bestfriend is a great spades partner! we win! playful kayaking trip in south florida. a feeling of comfort. snow is really falling on atlanta today. cooking dinner and snuggling by the fire tonight.
very happy to start this year with wonderful friends and a positive outlook. 2002 i welcome you with open arms.